Anti Nostalgic
by Elf Asato
Summary: [TsuzukiHisoka, WatariHisoka, etc.] The sequel to Sleepless Beauty! Tsuzuki, Hisoka, and Watari tell Tatsumi separately the events of their vacation... The impossible has happened: AN UPDATE! Tsuzuki's chapter 8, which closes up Part 2.
1. Hisoka, Chapter 1

**Title:** Anti-Nostalgic (Hisoka, Chapter 1)  
**Author:** Elf Asato  
**Pairings:** Tsuzuki/Hisoka, Watari/Hisoka  
**Warnings:** Shounen-ai, language, angst, OOC (ah…I always have a little difficulty with Tatsumi)  
**Disclaimer:** Yami no Matsuei belongs to the great Matsushita-sensei and if I butcher her name, it's out of love. _Anti-Nostalgic_ is a song from Gravitation so that doesn't belong to me, either.  
**Notes:** Everything is written in first person and divided by perspectives…Tatsumi's being the main, but everyone else being little sub-perspectives? And in those little sub-perspectives, the same series of events is told…only from the different perspectives. I don't know how long each part is actually going to be, but the whole thing is going to be _long_ because basically everyone is telling the same course of events, but with different perspectives and whatnot. …I really hope it doesn't get boring, but I figured that this was the only way it could work the way I wanted it to. Besides, you'll get more insight on the different events that occur! …And I haven't found a story or fic that has a similar setup to this, so I'm a bit wary of doing it this way…. I _really_ hope everyone enjoys this!  
**Lyrics** Obvious  
_Italics_ are Hisoka's dream and whatever happens in the past...in present tense as told in the present. It sounds a little confusing now, but you'll see what I mean.

**Anti-Nostalgic**  
By Elf Asato

**The dye of the transparent night sky  
****Walking alone, always on the path returning home  
****Humming to myself, this kind of feeling  
****I want to reach, but can't; the sleeping you Oh…Um… **

It's a nightmare. A complete disaster. The mother of all backfiring plans. It's like I'm a stereotypical villain in a stereotypical scenario whose stereotypical scheme backfired stereotypically.

…Ever notice that when you use one word often, it begins to lose its meaning?

Anyway, it's like the entire thing blew up in my face.

Which it did.

But that's beside the point.

Watari has been back for a couple of days, but he's been spending the entire time holed up in that damned lab of his. Kachou is extremely irritable due to the fact that we both had to pull a few strings and overlook a couple of company policies to get him on that vacation, and he returned without a word of thanks and is more depressed and lethargic…not to mention spastic…than when he left.

Maybe that's the way vacations are supposed to be. I don't know; I haven't had one in a while….

It would be one thing if he were diligently working on that positively _evil_ sex-changing potion or some other crazy experiment, but he's not. He's not doing a damned thing.

I'm so worried about him….

To top it off, though, Kurosaki-kun and Tsuzuki have returned from _their_ vacation today…no better than Watari, might I add. The two of them are **not** all over each other, and no, they are **not** just making an effort to control their raging passion for one another.

I was actually looking forward to telling them to get a room, too….

But the worst thing is, they're not even _talking_ to one another. They exchanged a few brief greeting to our fellow co-workers, but other than that, they've been absolutely silent.

Even Tsuzuki.

Watari didn't even come out from his hole to greet them and Kachou is berating **_me_** about it right now.

Which is exactly why I'm ignoring him and brooding to myself…and being rebuked by him for doing just that…standing up…walking out without saying a word…slamming the door because I'm too angry with everyone to speak….

I feel so childish now. Like I'm throwing a temper tantrum just because I didn't get my way…which is sort of close to the truth, but that, like everything else, is beside the point.

Probably the worst place to go when you're in a foul mood and want nothing to do with anyone else is the break room.

And why I find myself there is beyond me.

It doesn't please me further to see Kurosaki there, hunched over in a chair, staring at the cup of coffee he has when he doesn't even _drink_ coffee. "Enjoying your day back at work, Kurosaki-san?" I ask politely, briskly making my way to the coffee maker for a cup of my own.

He only responds with a short grunt, which I take as a yes for some bizarre reason.

"I'll bet."

He grunts again.

"I _know_, isn't it?"

Third time's the charm.

"Yes, you're right, Kachou is positively _evil_."

The boy only stares at me like I'm insane. …Well that's what he gets for just grunting.

…I think I got that from my mother….

"Sorry," he simply mutters.

I sit down with my coffee next to him, sipping it silently. "You seem more…distant…than usual. Care to tell me what's wrong?" I ask, playing the role of a concerned parent. All anger I had towards him for not trying to get down Tsuzuki's pants in my presence has subsided.

"I can't…talk to anyone," he sighs softly, avoiding my eyes. "Not Tsuzuki, not Watari…there's no one for me to talk to. Damn it, when did I get to be so dependent on others?"

I take another sip. He seems very bothered by a few things, which, in turn, bothers _me_. I don't like seeing my co-workers unhappy. I truly don't. I hate seeing _anyone _unhappy. To cover the fact that I do care about Kurosaki-kun a lot, I will now state that an unhappy worker doesn't make as much money. "There are plenty of people to talk to…Wakaba, Terazuma, Kachou, myself. Countless people who would listen to you." I gently discard the cup on the table as my fingers interlock and support my chin. "Though, I think there are few people who you would be willing to talk to."

He nods in agreement. Of course I'm right. "I've never really been able to talk to people…let alone _talk_. It's just…I have difficulty trusting others…."

"You've come a long way."

"…I know…but I feel somewhat weak for being reduced to needing someone to depend on…" he mutters, shaking his cup around a bit, watching the black liquid swirl.

"The ability to depend on someone is actually viewed as a strength in some people, myself included," I say truthfully and to just make things easier on him, I add, "You can always come to me to talk if you feel you need to."

He looks up at me and nods. "Thank you…Tatsumi-san."

I smile warmly at him, trying to make him feel better. It's obvious that although he's talented at examining others' emotions, he's hopeless with his own. "Do you mind telling me what's wrong right now? I'd love to see you be happy after a two-week vacation. It almost seems unnatural that you're not."

Kurosaki stares down at his coffee again and sighs. "That was the most confusing two weeks of my life…. It was just…do you have much time?"

"I have as much time as you need," I say reassuringly as he sighs in relief. I must say, I am very eager to hear what went on those two weeks….

-Hisoka-

**Being frightened by something, I become a little uncomfortable  
****Telling my thoughts to the lost bird, day after day…  
****Forgetting somewhere, the heart becomes a little hurt  
****Time connects to the night star to finding you **

The second our report hit Kachou's desk, my partner was up running around the office cheering. Of course, I didn't join him. Of course, I would _never_ join him…but I still felt the same way. After the events in Kyoto, this seemed _long_ overdue. A/N: adds little Tatsumi/Elf-ism Which it was, but that's beside the point

As we arrived at our destination point some hours later – a small resort outside the big city – I could tell that Tsuzuki was the happiest he had been in a while. Since the whole Kyoto incident, he'd been happy…but not _that_ happy.

_Stupid idiot probably has something up his sleeve…_

Tsuzuki could barely contain himself as we were checking in and ditched me to run around and explore the hotel. If I wasn't in such a good mood, I would have been highly annoyed.

Of course, about ten minutes after I got to the hotel room, he burst into the room, begging me to forgive him for just ditching me.

_He looks so cute as an inu…_

How could I resist his charm? To make it up to me, he wanted to show me the ballroom they had with a dance they would be holding on what was the middle of our vacation. I know he loves dancing so much.

_"Oh oh! You HAVE to dance with me, 'Soka-chan! Pleeeeeease?"_

_He knows I can't resist those puppy eyes anymore…_

I couldn't disappoint him. Any other time, I would have firmly said no. Any other person, I would have firmly said no. If he hadn't looked at me with those eyes….

_I've become a sucker for his charm…damn him._

He took me around on a tour of the hotel, shining brightly because I had said yes, radiating brilliantly with warm and colorful emotions because I promised to dance with him. It made me think of what Watari had told me…that Tsuzuki felt unconditional love. I remembered how Watari felt when he accidentally opened his emotions to me. Comparing the two of them, they felt the same. Love that would never die or fade…but how real can never ending love be?

But I didn't know how I felt about either of them. I would love to have said that I loved them both no matter what, but I suppose it makes me a terrible person for realizing that I could never do that…fully open my heart to _anyone_.

That concern quickly shifted to the back of my mind and something I felt more important came up – how was I supposed to match Tsuzuki's dancing? I knew I'd never be as good as him…but I wanted to at least keep up. I wanted him to enjoy dancing with me.

I had probably been silent and inattentive for too long because the next thing I knew, I was up in his arms.

_"Ts-Tsuzuki! I-idiot!"_

_"You're tired! We can always finish exploring tomorrow."_

He carried the struggling me down the hall, gaining the attention of several guests. My cheeks were flush pink from everyone staring at us, but Tsuzuki seemed unfazed – just simply happy to carry me.

_"Tsuzuki! Put me down **now!**"_

_"Nooooooo,"_ he argued childishly, _"you're tired, I'm not! Therefore, I carry you!"_

His intentions seemed pure enough, so I resigned fighting him and just settled into his arms, pretending that I hated it. In truth, it was the first time someone had actually carried me without any particular reason. At the time, I would never have admitted that I actually enjoyed it. A lot.

Tsuzuki happily swung the door open to our room and when he laid me on the bed, I begun to doubt how pure his intentions actually were. He stayed beside me, hovering, with his hands on my waist.

_"…Do you want something?" _I asked, trying to be somewhat irritable to hide my confusion.

He took a few seconds before smiling beautifully and telling me, _"a tip."_

_"A tip?"_ I asked, not sure what he actually meant.

_"Yes, a tip."_

_"…For what?"_

_"Carrying you, of course!"_

_"…Idiot… What kind of tip do you want?"_

He took a while before answering childishly, _"A tippy tip!"_

I tried to hide my smile, but he saw it anyway and matched it. _"Idi-"_ Before I could finish, he had his nose pressed against mine with his radiant eyes gazing into mine.

Just a brief movement and our lips would be touching….

_"-ot?"_

_"Dorkfish."_ I muttered, for lack of anything better to say.

He snickered softly and smiled.

As much as I hate to say it, had I been an ice cube or something of that nature, I would have melted. _"…What's a tippy tip?"_ I asked softly in a tone I hadn't intended to use. My breath caught. I know it _had_ to have turned him on…because it did me.

_I'm such a pervert. He probably means 'sheep' or something…_

The way he looked at me with those beautiful amethyst eyes…changed along with his breathing – both becoming ragged and harsh on some degree. I exhaled softly as his hands slid to my hips and lips moved in dangerously close to mine. I could feel the faint brushing…the heat of his mouth over mine. A soft moan escaped my lips.

_"CHICKEN!"_ he squeaked and bolted upright. _"Ah yeah, that's what a tippy tip is! Chicken! Hey, you know, I'm going to see if they have any chicken because boy do I want some! Be back later!"_

_What the…?_

It took me a while for my brain to register what had happened; Tsuzuki and I almost kissed, but he freaked out and left. The same thing happened when we finished our last assignment.

I sat up in bed and tried to think about it logically.

_There's obviously attraction between us…otherwise this never would have happened…twice. I know he loves me because I can feel it…and although I'm not all that wild about actually _doing_ something with him…it does concern me that he just freaks out every time he tries to kiss me._

At the time, all my thought got me nowhere and nothing was more logical than it had been before.

Tsuzuki came back around ten minutes later, proclaiming sadly that the hotel had no chicken. As he challenged me to a game of Gin (which he promptly lost), there was an uncomfortable silence between us. He wanted to think, I understood, but when Tsuzuki thinks he tends to get a little depressive….

Continuous games of gin finally came to an end at around eight at night (Tsuzuki refused to quit until he won just once. I had to let him win that last one). Tsuzuki was still thinking…too much, I felt.

_"Hey, tomorrow morning, why don't we go into the city? We can act like tourists for the day. Won't that be fun?"_

His eyes brightened and I knew I had said the right thing.

_"Hai! …But…what about your empathy?"_

_"I'll try to block everyone out and just concentrate on having fun. With all the distractions, it should be easy."_ It was a lie and he knew it also, but it would make him feel better.

I knew he went to sleep happy that night because the last thing I felt was his warm emotions embracing me as he lulled off.

* * *

**End of Part 1, Chapter 1**

You can all thank chibiukyou and Mirai Kurosaki for helping me get this part out!

And thus…the lyrics to close this chapter …

_Tomei ga yozora somete  
__Hitori aruku itsumo no kaerimichi  
__Kuchizusamu konna kimochi  
__Nemuru kimi ni todoketai na  
__Nani kani obiteru jibuun ga chotto iya ni naru  
__Tsugeru omoi to ni nokoshita hibi ni whoa whoa  
__Dokoka ni wasureteru kokoro ga chotto itaku naru  
__Toki wo tsunagu hoshi no yoru ni kimi wo sagashiteru_


	2. Hisoka, Chapter 2

**Title:** Anti-Nostalgic (Hisoka, Chapter 2)  
**Author:** Elf Asato  
**Pairings:** Tsuzuki/Hisoka, Watari/Hisoka  
**Warnings:** Shounen-ai, language, angst, OOC (ah…I always have a little difficulty with Tatsumi)  
**Disclaimer:** Yami no Matsuei belongs to the great Matsushita-sensei and if I butcher her name, it's out of love. _Anti-Nostalgic_ is a song from Gravitation so that doesn't belong to me, either.  
**Notes:** Oh, and remember, Hisoka is telling this to Tatsumi, so if he says "you" or something like that, he's referring to Tatsumi because that's who he's telling this to! (We're just listening… ) Enjoy!

**Anti-Nostalgic**  
By Elf Asato

"_Jerk_," I mutter partly to myself in a sigh. "He's always like that…almost like a tease."

Kurosaki nods in agreement, "Always. You know, I'd like to know where I stand with him sometimes…."

"Exactly." For once, we've reached a common ground. "So…how was your empathy while you were in the city?"

He looks at me thoughtfully and admits, "…Actually, I don't remember. I don't think that was really my concern. You see…."

-Hisoka-

I could barely get out of bed the following morning, but Tsuzuki was up and quite chipper, excited about our touring in the city. His energy annoyed me and I tried to put up a barrier to block his insane happiness, but it eventually became of no use. He was genuinely happy just to be with me, which puzzled me further.

Sometimes I still think that everything would be easier if he just hated me.

He dragged me in and out of nearly every store in the entire damned city, but I didn't mind. Really, I didn't. It was fascinating watching his expressions and reading his emotions change with every store. He didn't care much for the clothes, but he lit up whenever we stopped in an antique store…and he was ecstatic whenever we were in a building that had food inside. Somehow, I found all that very intriguing, but a part of me grew sad with every store we stopped at. I knew I didn't know my partner fully, but I thought I had a grasp of the external things that influenced his emotions. The food was quite predictable, but I learned many things about him – like him liking antique shops but not caring for the clothes. Of course, it was quite the opposite for me. I found the food and antiques to be boring, but I liked the clothes in shops we stopped in.

It just reminded me of how far apart we really were.

By noon we were both exhausted, so we decided to have lunch at a small café to end our tourism for the day.

_"I'm getting too old for this,"_ he laughed as he set our shopping bags underneath the table.

You wouldn't believe how many sweets he bought at this one bakery….

We ordered our food and then chattered about our day as we waited for it to come. Apparently he liked these Tiffany lamps he saw, saying how you would really enjoy and appreciate them, but they were too expensive so he didn't buy them.

_"I _did_ get something for you, though."_

_"What?"_

I had no recollection of him buying anything for me so I was surprised as he reached into one of the bags and pulled out a gift-wrapped box.

_"I bought it and had it gift-wrapped while you were looking at those old books…I hope you like it!"_

Sneaky bastard.

I hesitantly took the box from him and opened it slowly, trying to read him as I pretended to be interested in the wrapping paper. I couldn't sense anything out of the ordinary, except that I was opening it _way_ too slow. I discarded the wrapping paper on the table and opened up the box, taking out the millions of tissues protecting whatever was inside.

A glass flower tinted a pale red orange at the petals.

Flowers are flowers to me, so I couldn't really tell what kind it was, but Tsuzuki supplied the answer for me.

_"It's a glass marigold. Marigold is your birth flower, did you know that? I saw it and thought it just _really_ fit you well. Marigolds keep away bad stuff, like bugs or whatever that harms plants. That's why you sometimes see marigolds in gardens, even though they smell kind of weird. …At first I wasn't going to get it for you because I didn't think you would like it…but I noticed that the tint on the petals is like the shade you get when you blush. I hope you like it."_

I wanted to open up my mouth to say something, but I didn't know what would have come out. The gift was absolutely beautiful…and while staring at it, I think my cheeks _did_ match the petals.

_"…Thank you, Tsuzuki. I…I really love it. It's beautiful."_

_"It really _does_ fit you well – your cheeks are the same color as the petals. It makes me happy that you enjoy it."_

Carefully I put the flower back in its box and we chattered about the things we saw, what we liked, and what we didn't like until our food came. Tsuzuki cleaned his plate in, I think, two seconds flat…. The rest of the day was spent in our hotel room, lamenting on how crowded the swimming pool was. Someday, though, we'd spend the day there, we said.

When we started to unpack what we had bought in the city (I wouldn't let him eat everything in one sitting like he wanted), I took out the glass flower and Tsuzuki went down to the lobby to request a small vase. When he came back, he filled it with water and we put the _glass_ flower in and set the whole thing on the small table in our room, staring at it and commenting on how beautiful a glass vase with water inside and a glass flower looked.

When I first yawned, it was nine that night and we both agreed that we were surprised to stay up _that_ late. Shinigami or not, a long day like that tends to tire me out. We got ready for bed and the rest of the night went without incident, though I _did_ have a dream about a field of marigolds.

* * *

**End of Part 1, Chapter 2**

Sorry if it's a little short. Things tend to be a little easier to tell by day. I'm not saying there's going to be a chapter for every day of their vacation because next chapter is going to be quite a few days long.

The marigold part was kind of spur of the moment. I was trying to figure out what Tsuzuki could have gotten Hisoka…because that was kind of spur of the moment, too, and then I thought of how we both have the same birth flower! And what I said about them…I don't know if that's absolutely correct or not, but it's what my grandmother told me so I figure Ruka could have told him

About the thing about Tsuzuki liking antique shops…it would sort of make sense, right? Antiques are about a hundred years old and that's how old Tsuzuki is…so the things in there would have been from his time…so naturally he would be interested in them, right? …Or not…


	3. Hisoka, Chapter 3

**Title:** Anti-Nostalgic (Hisoka, Chapter 3)  
**Author:** Elf Asato  
**Pairings:** Tsuzuki/Hisoka, Watari/Hisoka, Tatsumi/Tsuzuki  
**Warnings:** Same as before plus limish content.  
**Disclaimer:** Yami no Matsuei belongs to the great Matsushita-sensei and if I butcher her name, it's out of love. _Anti-Nostalgic_ is a song from Gravitation so that doesn't belong to me, either.  
**Notes:** Since this is the sequel to Sleepless Beauty, I thought it was only fitting to continue in the line of Gravitation song fics Though I really liked the lyrics to Sleepless Beauty, I didn't think that the actual song and everything fit…so I wanted to pick out a Gravitation song that fit with the lyrics and everything…and eventually I picked Anti-Nostalgic! (Played in TV episode 3 ) It's such a great song And…and…and…they even say TSUZUKI in the lyrics! See how perfect it is? …The spacing of the lyrics, though…. I didn't like how I spaced the lyrics for Sleepless Beauty, so I took a _good_ look at the lyrics and thought for a while. I realized that the different lyric groupings actually fit everyone's individual parts in the order that I intended them to be in! Whoo!

**Anti-Nostalgic**  
By Elf Asato

-Hisoka-

The next several days or so passed like a blur. We spent the entire time touring, exploring the hotel, and complaining about the crowd at the poolside. It may seem boring, but it was actually really fun. For once in my life, I was absolutely content. I know…it amazed me, too. Though, the only thing was…Tsuzuki hadn't tried to kiss me at all, and I should have been relieved, but I wasn't. In truth, I wanted him to try again. I never knew what it was that sparked my interest in him _like that_. I had always thought of him as a really good co-worker and an even better friend…but since finding out that what I had been picking up from his emotions was indeed love, it seemed my entire life was turned upside down.

So you could say that I was vulnerable that night.

_"Hisoka?"_

_"Yes?"_

_"What does it feel like?"_

_"…What are you talking about?"_

_"…To be an empath. What does it feel like?"_

I sighed and tried to explain. _"Imagine that you're deaf. Everyone's like that, it's not just you…except…a few people can hear. Since you're deaf, you wouldn't know what hearing was, but you know I could. …That's the closest thing I can get to describing it. It's sort of complicated."_

_"…So you can hear what my heart says?"_

_"Only if you let me…or you don't have much control over it."_

_"…Do I have control over what I'm feeling right now?"_

_"…You must, because I can't really sense anything from you right now."_

_"It feels like I have no control over this."_

_"Tsuzuki…?"_

_"You know what everyone else feels…but can you really sort out what _you_ feel?"_

_"Sometimes," _I admitted, _"but sometimes not. It's hard to pick out what emotions are your own when you feel everyone else's."_

_"You said you can't hear what I feel right now…so can you tell me how _you_ feel?"_

_"…About what…?"_

_"About me."_

_"I…I don't know. I wish I did, but I don't."_ I said truthfully.

_"…You know, you could have lied to me. Could have told me that you hate me…or that you love me."_

_"I'm sorry."_

_"…But I'm glad that you didn't. I don't think I could bear it if you lied to me."_

_"…Tsuzuki…what…?"_

We were both on our separate beds at the time, but that changed once Tsuzuki left his to sit on mine. It made me slightly nervous.

_"I…we've been partners for a long time, right?"_

_"…If you consider that a long time, then I guess so."_

_"We're friends, right?"_

_"Of course, Tsuzuki…but just what…?"_

_"Hisoka, I love you."_

That shouldn't have caught me off guard. I already knew. That shouldn't have brought tears to my eyes. I could feel his own. That shouldn't have had any major impact on me. It wasn't a shock.

Then why did I feel so much?

_"Tsu…Tsuzuki… I…"_

_What do I feel?_

_"…I think I love you."_

As soon as the words parted my lips, his eyes lit up and it was all I could do to keep my tears from falling. I felt so much just then. I felt so much love for him, so much contentment and satisfaction and I knew he felt the same.

_"I…I'm so…**happy** that you do…! I just…I wanted to tell you earlier…but I wasn't sure…and…I just…"_

I laughed, the tears rolling down my cheeks – I can't remember the last time I was that happy. It finally hit me that the reason why he kept shying away before was because he was afraid I would reject him.

_I would never reject you._

_"Idiot…you talk too much."_

He simply looked at me and smiled warmly. I could feel every emotion he had very strongly. Each emotion we shared like it was one. It was the most incredible thing I had ever felt. _"You're right…I do."_

And that was when he kissed me.

He didn't chicken out at the last moment, he didn't shy away from me…he just kissed me. It was the most magical kiss I've ever had (I'm going to pretend like it was my first…). That type where you just _knew_ that the second it stopped, the world would end.

For the sake of the world, I kept that kiss going.

--

"What's wrong?" I ask as Kurosaki suddenly became very silent. "You just stopped."

"Ah…yeah…" he mutters, keeping his head down too low for me to see his face clearly.

"That's not how the night ended, is it?"

"No, of course not!" he snaps defensively, raising his head up. I can see that his cheeks are _very_ red. So that's what the petals on the marigold look like….

"Well then, what happened?" I ask, almost too cheerfully, enjoying prodding the boy entirely too much. I'm secretly probably a pervert at heart….

"Stuff!"

As he shouts this, I wonder if that glass flower is actually a tomato…. I simply smile, though. "Well, I'm glad Tsuzuki didn't wait until it was too late to tell his feelings."

"What do you mean?" Kurosaki asks curiously, his eyes taking a concerned tone.

I sigh. It's not like I want the whole world knowing my business. "Well…I used to be in love with Tsuzuki. I still am, but not like I was when I first met him. I spent the good half of our time as partners dropping subtle hints about my feelings, but he never caught on. Eventually I quit being his partner for that reason and by the time he realized how I felt, it was too late. …I'm glad your relationship with him never took the turn ours did."

He looks at me darkly and mutters, "Sometimes I wonder if that would have been easier."

-Hisoka-

Waking up next to Tsuzuki that morning was the most satisfying experience I've ever had. (Stop laughing, you pervert) The sun shone brightly, even though it was an overcast day, my glass marigold smelled _wonderful_ despite the fact that it was both glass and a marigold, and Tsuzuki's breakfast in bed actually tasted somewhat decent.

_I must be going insane…_

The only thing was…though I was very happy to be with Tsuzuki like that…there was something wrong.

_It's like my feelings aren't my own._

I was so confused, but what made it even worse was that Tsuzuki was the happiest I had _ever_ seen him. As an empath, it was all I could do to keep from feeling others' emotions too much…but added in with my own, it was impossible for me to keep everything straight. With my feelings, I didn't know if I was coming or going – if I loved or hated it. That's how confused I was.

And it never helped that we met _him_ at the poolside the one day we decided to go.

* * *

**End of Part 1, Chapter 3**

Just so you know, after Hisoka, there's Tsuzuki, Watari, and the closing part by Tatsumi. As always, I look forward to writing Watari.


	4. Hisoka, Chapter 4

**Title**: Anti-Nostalgic (Hisoka, Chapter 4)  
**Author**: Elf Asato  
**Pairings**: Tsuzuki/Hisoka, Watari/Hisoka, Tatsumi/Tsuzuki  
**Warnings**: OOC (I'm sure there's a spot or two somewhere)  
**Disclaimer**: Yami no Matsuei belongs to the great Matsushita-sensei and if I butcher her name, it's out of love. _Anti-Nostalgic_ is a song from Gravitation so that doesn't belong to me, either.  
**Notes**:_Please_ don't hate Watari!

**Anti-Nostalgic**  
By Elf Asato

-Hisoka-

_"Bon?"_

The one day we decided to actually go to the pool, _he_ was there. I had managed to avoid thinking about him throughout most of our vacation and things were going so well….

_Why does he have to show up NOW?_

Tsuzuki, who I suspected was completely oblivious, rushed over and greeted our co-worker, asking the same question I was thinking.

_What is he doing here?_

--

Kurosaki-kun stops his story again to lean over the table and glare at me. "Why didn't you tell Watari what hotel we were in? If you had, you know he wouldn't have stayed in the one we were at."

In truth, I never thought that Watari would stay in the same hotel they were in without realizing it, but yes, Kurosaki is right…. Perhaps this is why Watari's been acting so weird. To answer his question, I shrug and reply, "I didn't think it was important."

"You know, I _should_ be mad at _you_," he states, slumping back into his chair with his arms crossed.

"And _I_ should be mad at _you_ for taking up my valuable time, but I'm not so life goes on."

He just scowls at me.

I think I like that.

-Hisoka-

Watari told us that he asked for a few days off and surprisingly enough, Kachou gave it to him and left you and 003 in charge of his area. He had no idea, though, that we were staying at the same hotel.

Tsuzuki, of course, was absolutely thrilled about this. I wasn't. At all. Not only was I still pissed at Watari for reading my journal (which I brought), but he was absolutely _overflowing_ with guilt, though I wasn't able to pick out just why.

He actually invited Watari to go sightseeing with us the next day. I couldn't believe that he did that…. I did **not** want to be put in that situation with Watari. Tsuzuki was just lucky that I loved him.

_I **do** love him…_

_…Right?_

I spent the night tossing and turning – trying to figure things out. There was something about my love for Tsuzuki that just seemed…odd. I had no doubt in my mind that he really loved me…but how _I_ felt….

I wasn't about to waste my vacation thinking of such trivial things.

_I have something good. I should just accept it._

Though sleep came easy after that, it wasn't so peaceful. I had the dream of the field of marigolds again, but this time they were all dead.

_"…'Soka-chaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!"_

_"…Wha…?"_

Tsuzuki just flashed me a dazzling smile as we walked alongside Watari down the city streets, telling me how I'd been spacing out. With so many things on my mind, I couldn't help my mind wandering off a bit.

I've come to notice that when you **need** to think about something, you tend to get distracted easily, but when you _don't_ **want** to think about something, it becomes the foremost thought in your mind.

It's either television or the Internet that's responsible for that. Maybe both. I haven't been able to decide.

I'd been spacing out again when Watari broke the news to me that Tsuzuki had become fed up with us and went to browse another antique shop. It's either the same antique shop he keeps going into or this city is absolutely _full_ of them. For some reason, I think it's the former. But anyway, I knew Tsuzuki wasn't really _fed up_ with us because I'd probably do the same thing if it were me.

Watari and I must be terrible company with _his_ abnormal silence and _me_ spacing out.

_"Hey…you okay?"_ Watari's voice rings gently out of nowhere.

I resisted the urge to answer him and settled for scowling instead.

I'm such good company, I know.

…It was weird, though…because Watari didn't even look somewhat offended. He just gave me a gentle smile and that was it. All of his emotions were warm, yet neutral…and I couldn't feel a wall up….

And…just for a second there, I thought that maybe…just _maybe_ I could trust him again…with all his gentleness…. Then another portion of me just smacked the living daylights out of the other one and reminded it exactly what _that man_ had done to me.

_Right. Remembering._

_Bastard_.

Breaking the terrible silence that had fallen between us, Tsuzuki emerged from the shop; only…he seemed to be a bit spacey as I was. Of course, I could certainly understand that. Antique shops probably bring back memories of his life…. That's probably why he likes them but…well, I'm not sure I like that….

I guess I'm just protective of him.

Though…this time…he must have seen something that brought back a particularly unpleasant memory because I could feel worry and subtle fear. It was like an overcast day….

I didn't want to say or do anything particularly embarrassing to comfort him with Watari there, but I did give him a comforting smile along with trying to shower him with affectionate emotions.

That seemed to work…because the clouds drew back and the sun came out – radiant and absolute.

In his renewed happiness, Tsuzuki managed to drag us into a largely overrated and greasy fast-food place and ordered to his heart's content. Neither Watari nor I really wanted anything so we stayed back a little while my partner sprouted an inu-tail and wiggled it around mercilessly.

_But…_

I didn't like being alone with…_him_…not one bit. Not after he betrayed me like that.

I know it's probably really stupid and I should just forgive him for reading my journal, but I don't think I ever could. Imagine going through your entire life and a little of your afterlife not being able to trust anyone. Now imagine finally being able to trust and open up your heart…and then being betrayed like that. I know it's stupid because I keep telling myself how stupid it is, and even though I never wrote anything _truly personal_ in it, it still felt like he stabbed me in the back.

_Dear lord, Tsuzuki is taking _forever

I managed to keep all my eye contact and concentration of my partner in front of me, but everything kept straying to see what Watari was doing. I tilted my head slightly to glance in his general direction nonchalantly, but he somehow caught my gaze with his own and we held it for several seconds before I abruptly broke it to stare back at Tsuzuki, who was finishing his order.

…_Finally_.

Tsuzuki just turned back to us with an armload of "food" that would give you a heart attack if you even so _licked_ it and smiled brilliantly. It certainly did help ease up my tensions.

_"Tsuzuki, you're going to die of a heart attack before you finish all that…"_

_"Yeah, but I'm already dead so I can keep on eating!"_

I think he actually thought he had some logic there. Maybe he did. Who am I to judge what's logical anymore?

Watari just laughed at the two of us and smiled a true smile, but then he became oddly distant. It's not like I was concerned or anything, though. It was just an observation.

Though…it was like he knew something I didn't.

I hate it when people are like that. They act all high and regal just because they think they're better than you or because of your age. I'm not saying Watari's behavior was like that at all, but it's a worthy note. One of the reasons I hate Muraki so much (besides the obvious) is because of that.

To him, I'm nothing but a mere _brat_. A semi-good _lay_.

Not that I want to be anything more, mind you, but it's just that it annoys me.

Anyway, Tsuzuki was just a _doll_ the entire day and Watari seemed content in silence. It's odd because he and Tsuzuki usually are more sociable with each other. Well, it's not like my partner didn't try, but the blond did seem a little _unwilling_. Though his emotions were very muted, I could still sense that guilt.

You'd think his entire life was a guilt trip from what he was feeling.

After we walked Watari back to his hotel room and were walking on to ours, Tsuzuki took my hand (we were _holding hands_…like an actual _couple_!) and walked a little with me. He gave my ear a little kiss (which I secretly loved!) and hugged me. Somehow, I think he was trying to butter me up…

_"'Soka, you know, that dance is tomorrow night!"_

_What? …Oh yeah… "Really?"_

_"Uh huh! Do you still want to dance with me?"_

Of course I did. I loved him, right? …And I said that, too.

He was all happy and inu-like which made me smile.

_"You know, we have to practice!"_

_"…Why? It's not like a competition or anything…"_

Though he didn't say anything, I got the feeling he didn't want me to fall flat on my face. Which, of course, is something I would _never do_…but according to Murphy's Law, is probably exactly what would have happened had we not prepared.

Without arguing, I found myself standing in our hotel room, feeling like an idiot, while my partner found a radio station with appropriate music. I didn't even know how to ballroom dance, which was exactly how Tsuzuki planned to do it, so you can imagine that feeling of inadequacy delicately poised in my heart. Though, all it took was a simple smile from him to make that feeling just flop over and die.

_"Take my hand,"_ he said as he held me close.

…And then we danced.

* * *

**End of Part 1, Chapter 4**

I don't know why, but the dead marigold part just creeped me out….


	5. Hisoka, Chapter 5

**Title**: Anti-Nostalgic (Hisoka, Chapter 5)  
**Author**: Elf Asato  
**Pairings**: Tsuzuki/Hisoka, Watari/Hisoka, Tatsumi/Tsuzuki  
**Warnings**: Shounen-ai, language, angst, OOC (I'm sure there's a spot or two somewhere)  
**Disclaimer**: Yami no Matsuei belongs to the great Matsushita-sensei and if I butcher her name, it's out of love. _Anti-Nostalgic_ is a song from Gravitation so that doesn't belong to me, either.  
**Notes**: I was having a little trouble with this chapter… Although it's the chapter I've been waiting so long to write, it's so hard because the wording has to be just…_right_.

**Anti-Nostalgic**  
By Elf Asato

-Hisoka-

Everything in life is hard. It really is. From the simplest thing as getting up in the morning to choosing between your loved ones wishes and your own desires, life is full of complexities and strife. In between, though, are the simple joys that have come to represent what living is all about.

That morning, even though technically I was dead, I truly felt _alive_…even if it was incredibly hard to get up – especially when my darling decided to use me as one of his stuffed animals….

The simple joys you experience from time to time make up for a lifetime of pain. Just that one little kiss, that one little hug, that cute little glass flower placed neatly on the dresser…each thing and experience holds so much value because it's something you love, no matter how irrelevant it may be. That love may be the only thing that keeps a person going in life…and the afterlife as well.

But no matter how wonderful everything was, it still didn't make getting out of bed any easier. In the hour I spent trying to persuade Tsuzuki to just let me get up and ready for the day, I must have given at least fifty reasons – all of them countered by something completely illogical from him. It still amazes me how he can be so illogical, but make perfect sense.

Sometimes I think Tsuzuki's the only one who really knows how this universe works.

Anyway, after I finally _dragged_ him out of bed (literally!), we tried to decide on our plans for that afternoon. Tsuzuki absolutely _insisted_ on spending the _entire_ day in bed to get "well rested" for the dance that evening, but I told him that we'd have no "rest" and he knew it. Naturally, he proposed that we try it and see what happens.

Needless to say, our afternoon was largely spent arguing about the most irrelevant things. It amazes me at how the most trivial of things can make a world of a difference to someone and what may be considered one of life's rough spots for some can be a simple joy for others. Our bickering would have stressed and annoyed me days ago, but it was comforting after being…lovers. I guess it assured me that he was still there. I was and still am so paranoid about being happy. It's like you have to work at it to just simply grasp it in your hands and even then you have to stay so focused on it because if you so much as even _blink_, it would vanish.

_So I have to concentrate on loving him and stop being so paranoid about being happy._

But it really shouldn't have to take so much work.

_I have to be confident in my love for him because it **has** to be true…_

Can't happiness just come without a price?

_I can't waste a good thing – I **have** to **accept** and **enjoy** it…_

Doesn't everyone deserve a little joy without having to **work** for it?

_But it's hard…because I know that somewhere in my heart…_

**Everyone** deserves a little happiness…

_…Something's wrong._

…No matter **who** they are.

_"Hisoka, you're so quiet…!"_

_Oh…right…_

_"Pay attention to me!"_

_And he says this with a mischievous smile…cute. "Ah…sorry, I was thinking about something…"_

_"Oh…uh, Hisoka?"_

_"Yes?"_

_"Are you happy?"_

_What a stupid question. "Of course I am." …But it's so hard…_

_"Oh good! It makes me happy to know that you're happy! You know, everyone should be happy…they deserve it don't they? They have a right to it."_

_"…So…everyone has a right to be happy…?"_

_"Of course!"_

Everyone…

…Even me.

_"Oh come on! Let me see how you look!"_ my partner whined from the other side of the door. Tsuzuki had _insisted_ on us renting tuxedos for the dance he was so excited about…

_"Ugh, not yet!"_ I stood in front of the mirror in the bathroom I had locked myself in and looked over my appearance one more time. _It's a stupid thing, really…_ But…it was important to him and I knew I had to make it perfect. I actually looked all right in the tuxedo, even though it was a little awkward. That gave me a little confidence as I unlocked the door and presented myself to him.

He didn't say a word – he just gaped. I read his heart, trying to figure out just _what_ he was thinking, and found him just in complete awe at me. The only thing really running through his head was "how gorgeous" I was.

_Does he really think that? "Uh…Tsuzuki…? We kind of need to leave…Tsuzuki!"_

_"Huh? Oh! Right!"_ he exclaimed as he finally came to. _"You know…you look really, really…wow…"_

I had to snicker a little and smile at him. _He's so sweet – he really is. "Come on…it'll begin soon."_

_"Yeah!"_ he cried out in absolute joy that made me just want to melt. _"Hee, I'm so excited because I know I have the best looking partner there!"_

_"…Yeah right…baka…"_

_"It's true!"_

_"Well…I guess that goes the same for me, too…"_

I had forgotten about my empathy so when I stepped into that ballroom…

"Hisoka! Are you all right? You just…fell!"

_"Erm…my empathy…"_ I muttered, _so_ not feeling good all of a sudden.

I regret saying that because his face and heart both fell. _"I'm so sorry! I completely forgot!"_

_"No, it's okay. It's not your fault. I forgot, too… Er, I guess I didn't expect everyone to be feeling so strongly…"_

_"We don't have to do this, you know…"_

_"No, I want to…!"_ I pleaded, desperately wanting him to be happy with this one thing he enjoyed.

_"But your…"_

_"No, it's fine, Tsuzuki. I'm okay."_

_"…You sure?"_

_"Just shut up…"_

_"Okay… … … …Are you sure…?"_

_"Augh, just shut up!"_

In truth, I felt absolutely terrible. The concern that enveloped him made everyone else's emotions seem so muted…which made me so sick. I really felt like I had to throw up, but I couldn't tell him that.

_Maybe if I can quietly sneak away…_

_"Ah…Hisoka, you're turning green…are you sure—"_

_"_YES_, now _shut up!_ …Please!"_

_"I…I'm really sorry!" _he apologized…which, of course, made me feel terrible…

_"It's…it's okay, really… I just need to sit down for a little while…" And gently (just like a gentleman!) he led me to a seat, sat me down, and stayed by my side until I told him that he really didn't need to be doing that for me… Of course, he told me that he wanted to, but I felt so bad for ruining his night…_

_"…Hey, there's a little girl sitting all by herself at that table over there…"_ I muttered with my excellent powers of observation.

_"She looks so lonely… Can't be more than sixteen or so…"_

_"…Why don't you ask her to dance with you? I'm sure she'd enjoy that."_

_"What? But…what if her parents…?"_

_"I'm sure they'd appreciate you helping their daughter have a little fun."_

_"You're okay with this?"_

_"Baka, I suggested it to you. Why wouldn't I be?"_

_"All right!" _he exclaimed cheerfully. I had to smile as he gave me a quick kiss on the cheek and bounced off. Quickly after I was _sure_ his attention was on the girl, I snuck to the restroom and promptly threw up. Lovely, yes, I know.

Feeling extremely weak after that ordeal, I had a little difficulty getting back to _my_ chair (yes, I claimed it as mine)…until someone helped me along the way….

_"Bon…? You…you look absolutely terrible…"_

Watari was the _last_ person I wanted to see that night.

_"Oh…gee, thanks,"_ I muttered sarcastically as I tried to ignore him and walk on by. This massive wave of nausea stopped me though…

_"I…I didn't mean it like that…" he muttered as he gently took my arm to help steady me._

I knew that, and I appreciated the help, but still…

_"Ah…actually, I've been wanting to talk to you."_

_Great. I _so_ do not feel like talking right now…_

_"And…if you could find it in your heart to just listen to me, I'd-"_ he went on, but I couldn't take much more of it.

_"Watari, just say what you wanted to say and get on with it,"_ I snapped, my tone harsher than I intended.

_"I love you,"_ he blurted out in a panic.

I knew that, of course.

_"I…I'll admit, it wasn't love at first sight or anything, but the more I saw of you…"_

His emotions didn't surprise me…

_"I…I'm really sorry. I know you and Tsuzuki are close and all, but still, I…"_

His emotions shouldn't have surprised me…

_"I can't seem to get you out of my mind, I really can't. It seems you're all I think about lately…"_

And…my knees shouldn't have gone weak like that….

_"And…I know I haven't acted like it at all and I've hurt and betrayed you…but I really wanted you to hate me even though I loved you so much. I…I thought it'd be easier for us if you did…but it's only made things harder."_

And above all…I did _not_ love him back….

_"I know how Tsuzuki feels about you and I keep going around and around in circles about that. I…I feel like I don't even deserve you, but I can't keep my feelings to myself any longer. But…I know you and Tsuzuki…and…I want you to be happy, but still…I want to be happy as well… See? I keep going around in circles!"_

…I shouldn't have loved him back.

_"So…do…you…?"_

Through my swirling thoughts, I thought he was going to ask if I loved him back…but he didn't. He simply asked if I forgave him…and…I think I fell in love. My eyes gently shut as the word "yes" barely escaped my lips in a whisper…but when it did, he lit up and it seemed nothing else mattered anymore. It was just us, standing there in silence…. It wasn't a cold silence like previous times, but…it was like bathing in the sun's warm rays. In that moment, it felt like time had stopped and this was all that mattered. I could tell he felt the same way. Our feelings were very mutual.

From the warmth of his emotions' tender embrace to the softness of his gentle kiss, I-

**_Kiss!_** My eyes flashed open with a startling realization. _Kiss…_

It truly felt like though we had two separate bodies, we shared one heart. I knew everything I felt, he felt. I knew, in that moment, I truly loved him.

_This…this is what love is, right?_

_"I…I'm sorry!"_ he apologized quickly, blushing heavily. It was so cute.

_"I-it's okay…"_ I reassured. Yes, I suppose it was very okay.

_"Well…ah…thank you very, very much for listening to me, and…I…I meant every word I said. Ah…I'll let you go back to him now…"_ And with that, he rushed off, still very red in the face.

_That must have taken true courage_, I thought, feeling very proud of him. I was pleased at how much stronger I felt so I was able to make my way back to the ballroom with ease and confidence. Tsuzuki sat waiting in a chair for me.

_I'll let you go back to him now…_ Watari's words rang in my ear.

_"Tsu…Tsuzuki!"_ I gasped, the recent encounter with Watari flashing before my eyes, my first night with Tsuzuki, that courageous declaration of love…

Suddenly, I felt very, _very_ sick.

* * *

**End of Part 1, Chapter 5**

Another chapter by Elf, Queen of Run-ons! Well…for the longest time, Hisoka had just _fainted_ and was just _lying_ there. No one was helping him until I came along, _forced_ him to wake up, and make Tsuzuki take care of him…but then I felt bad because he threw up…yuck. According to Word, I've spent a grand total of 12+ hours working on this…And it just occurred to me that Watari kissed Hisoka after he threw up…ew.

Anyway, please pardon Hisoka and Watari's actions, for all you Tsu/Hi fans! And if you're a Watari/Hisoka fan, well…rejoice. Yay. Um…yeah. Hope you enjoyed this "long awaited" (hardly!) chapter!


	6. Hisoka, Chapter 6

**Title**: Anti-Nostalgic (Hisoka, Chapter 6)  
**Author**: Elf Asato  
**Pairings**: Tsuzuki/Hisoka, Watari/Hisoka  
**Warnings**: ANGST (waves a big, fat, angst banner around), OOC  
**Disclaimer**: Yami no Matsuei belongs to the great Matsushita-sensei and if I butcher her name, it's out of love. _Anti-Nostalgic_ is a song from Gravitation so that doesn't belong to me, either.  
**Notes**: Thar be angst in this here chapter...

**Anti-Nostalgic  
**By Elf Asato

-Hisoka-

If things weren't screwed up already, I made them ten times worse. First off, Tsuzuki increases his flirting with me, then Watari invades on my privacy, and I can't even sort my feelings for the two of them. Then Tsuzuki tries to take a step further than just flirting, but chokes…but then again actually succeeds in winning me over after a while. After a few days at being at the hotel, we find that Watari is there, also, for some unknown reason and I _still_ hate him, but he's genuinely sorry. Tsuzuki's acting the "romantic-boyfriend-type-of-thing" with me, which is fine, but then we go to the dance and Watari confesses his feelings for me. How am I supposed to sort my feelings between the two!

…And not to mention, my feelings don't even seem like my own at times.

_Just what exactly am I supposed to do!_ This question kept running through my mind as I went back to Tsuzuki, who was kindly waiting for me after finishing his dance with the girl. I tried to act like nothing happened – no guilty looks or glances around. I didn't think he knew and was grateful for what I thought was his obliviousness, but that didn't diminish that horrible hole that was eating away at my heart.

The dance played out without any incidence and the more I was with him, the more I felt that Tsuzuki didn't know and that I was just fine as long as he didn't know.

Once we were back at our hotel room, I changed the water in the marigold's vase that lived on a small table in our room and was about to change out of my suit when Tsuzuki asked, without conviction, "_Naa…Hisoka?"_

_"Yeah?"_ I replied, sitting down on one of our beds, just _itching_ to get this suit off one way or another…

Without his usual childlike manner, nor his hidden romantic one, he…_calmly_ made his way to my side on the bed. As he wrapped his arms around me in a little hug, I was surprised – even though he normally has shields up around me to protect the both of us, I can still feel _something_…

But as he held me, I felt absolutely nothing.

He kissed my cheek gently and said softly, _"…I love you."_

I turned to face him happily, all to ready to say "I love you" back, but the words stopped just short of my tongue and it _hit_ me.

Without his emotions seeping into mine, I can't honestly say that.

It was like I had a revelation: I was completely right in that feeling that the emotions I felt weren't my own; they were other strong emotions felt by someone else seeping into my own.

I guess something was revealed in my eyes because Tsuzuki gently let go of me and stood up with a sigh, pacing around the room as if he was deeply thinking about something.

At that moment, I cursed that abnormality I'd been born with.

He stopped his pacing and just stood with his back to me, staring at the wall. _"…You could have just told me that you didn't feel the same way,"_ he said simply.

I had nothing to say. I hated it so much because it was my fault, but what worse for me was that I couldn't feel Tsuzuki at _all_. Looking down at my feet in embarrassment, shame, and guilt, I felt like a horrible person for unintentionally leading him on like that. Tsuzuki by nature was an extremely fragile person under that playful exterior.

_This is going to be bad…_

_"Well?"_ he asked after a few moments silence, _"Was it fun toying with me?"_

_"Tsuzuki, I didn't mean—!"_ I blurted out as I lifted my eyes to reach him, but my breath caught as he turned around sharply.

At that instant, he must have lost control of that wall he'd set up because for a brief second, I felt _everything_ he was feeling. …It didn't enlighten me in any way or make matters better. In fact, it made them worse…because he felt like his heart had been shattered.

Quickly, though, he resumed control and ran his hand through his hair in exasperation. _"Of course you didn't. Why should you?"_ Sarcasm laced his voice and it just made me want to scream or do _anything_ to let out my frustration with the world.

_"Tsuzuki,"_ I tried to explain before he interrupted me.

_"No, no, no,"_ he said in calmly, as if brushing off the whole thing, _"You couldn't have known if you were really in love or not anyway. You're just sixteen. What do _you_ know about love anyway?"_

That royally pissed me off. _"Tsuzuki,"_ I blurt out as I stood up angrily, _"_just_ because I'm stuck at the _eternal age_ of _sixteen_ means absolutely _nothing_ when it comes to love! And besides, this isn't entirely my fault! You're to blame as well—"_

_"I'm to blame for loving you in the first place,"_ Tsuzuki spat out, making the two of us even _more_ upset than we were before.

_"You're to blame for _forcing your emotions_ on me!"_ I angrily continued, raising my voice in the process. _"How can I tell my _true emotions_ when _yours_ keeps masking them!"_

His breath caught and his eyes were wide when it registered to him what I had said.

_"But…"_ I truthfully stated, as if to comfort his bleeding heart, _"there were times when my emotions were my own. When I genuinely loved you without your help."_

His eyes seemed to soften…but it unnerved me when he looked even more hurt than before. Painfully, he looked to the side and sighed, _"…If you loved me…then why did you kiss him?"_

My throat went dry and I felt my heart constrict, _"…What?"_

He scoffed, just as angry and hurt, if not more, than he was before, _"Don't act like you don't know. I saw you and Watari kissing…"_

My mouth gaped open, hoping intelligent words would come out, but they didn't.

_"What, I suppose that was your _empathy_ getting confused again?"_ Tsuzuki continued, almost in derision.

_"Y-yes,"_ I muttered, knowing that it didn't make things any better. _"But Tsuzuki–!"_

_"But what!"_ he snapped…and I felt the pain he was going through, the betrayal, the heartache. I felt absolutely worthless just by making him feel that way.

_If I had known things were going to end up like this, I would have rejected him a long time ago…_

_"…I really _was_ falling for you…even before you told me how you felt."_

He looked at me for a couple of seconds, but then turned away. _"…Please don't toy with my heart anymore."_

_"I'm not toying! I'm serious!"_

My partner sighed as he slowly sank to his knees, his voice wavering, _"I don't care. …I…I don't want to love you anymore…please."_

I could tell he was close to tears – as for me…well, I was already there.

_"…Tsuzuki,"_ I whispered as a single tear ran down my cheek.

_"I mean, _what am I supposed to **_do_**_!"_ he burst out loudly with his back to me, clutching his head. _"Since I unintentionally _forced_ my emotions onto you…it's like…it's almost like an emotional rape? Is…is that what it is? Dammit, I don't even know what to do! I don't think I've felt this horrible in my life!"_

_I…I don't want him to feel like this. It's not his fault – it's mine…_ _"Tsuzuki, it's not your fault–"_

He wouldn't be persuaded. _"God, I should have _seen_ that you didn't want to be with me! …But no…dammit, am I _really_ that selfish of a _bastard_ to not even consider _you_!" _he yelled, this time more angry at himself than he was me.

_"Tsuzuki, don't!"_ I protested, not wanting him to go on, _"…You're not – that's not – that's not the way it was!"_

_"I've hurt you without you even realizing it! Of _course_ this is how it was!"_ he exclaimed as he slammed his fist down on the small table next to him…onto the marigold vase…

Which shattered on impact.

_"Tsuzuki!"_ I cried out, more worried about him than anything. I tried to rush to his side, but he stopped me by getting up.

_"Just…just leave me alone,"_ he sighed, pushing me away as his hand already began to heal.

_"But Tsuzuki–"_

_"Don't you _get_ it!"_ he cried out suddenly. _"I don't want _anything_ to do with you now!"_

_"…Wha…t…?" _I said softly and slowly, as if in a daze as he stormed out of the room.

_I've never seen him like this… Was he _serious

Just the thought of Tsuzuki no longer loving me sent me into tears. I hadn't cried like that in so long, but I couldn't help myself.

This was lonelier than when I was alive.

I felt so weak – I wanted to _stop_ crying, but at the same time, I seriously needed to let it out…

For the first time since our vacation, I took out my journal and started to write…and after that I found some glue in a drawer and started to piece the marigold back together.

* * *

**End of Part 1, Chapter 6**

I wrote this while in a bad mood, which is perfect for what's happening so maybe it'll be conveyed even more… Ooh, melodrama that's not really melodrama, even if it tried… Believe it or not, the marigold actually _symbolizes_ something. Aah, literary elements! I hate myself now!


	7. Hisoka, Chapter 7

**Title**: Anti-Nostalgic (Hisoka, Chapter 7)  
**Author**: Elf Asato  
**Pairings**: Tsuzuki/Hisoka, Watari/Hisoka  
**Warnings**: Angst residue, weird dreams, OOC  
**Disclaimer**: Yami no Matsuei belongs to the great Matsushita-sensei and if I butcher her name, it's out of love. _Anti-Nostalgic_ is a song from Gravitation so that doesn't belong to me, either.  
**Notes**: See, I knew _exactly_ how I wanted to write this! I just needed to find the time ;; But still, it's pretty fast compared to other chapters, so no complaining! For the first part of this chapter, the _italics_ are Hisoka's dream

**Anti-Nostalgic  
**By Elf Asato

-Hisoka-

_Burning._

_Oh god, I'm burning._

_It hurts so much – I can feel the flames eating away at my skin and heart, but I'm too afraid to open my eyes and see._

_"Bastard!" voices scream. I hear and feel…they're my parents! "Monster!" I cry out for them to go away… I'm so scared right now and I hurt so much._

_…Are they burning me? Is that it? Burning me like some kind of witch? I haven't done anything wrong! I don't deserve this!_

_…But…I hurt Tsuzuki…_

_Is that why they're doing this? Why are they doing this? Please leave me alone!_

_I have to open my eyes lazily as the fire is still consuming my body and I see dozens of angry people, watching me burn at a stake… They're angry at me…but they're **happy** to see me die!_

_The church bell rings… maybe they'll go off to their church and strive to be good little Christians while I sit here and burn – me, who they watched suffer with joy. This is so sick._

_But…they don't leave. They continue to watch in rapture, jeering at me, telling me to die a slow and painful death. I look past them and see a funeral with only one person in attendance – and the church bell rings again. The good little Christians don't seem to care or mourn for the death of that limp figure, covered in a black cloak, being hauled into his grave. They only want their entertainment – me._

_I feel sorry for him – there's no one at his funeral except the one putting him in the grave… The silhouette of the dead man looks so forlorn, so sad as the sole one at his funeral, also cloaked in black, carries him. The one carrying him jostles him a bit, trying to get a better grip – I'm so fascinated, but saddened by this, that my physical pain is dwarfed by the one in my heart – and finally get to see the dead man's face._

_It feels like my heart has burst – god, I'm dying all over again!_

_The dead man._

_Tsuzuki._

_TSUZUKI._

_"**TSUZUKI!**" I scream out, now unaware of any physical pain, but my heart is being ripped **apart**._

_Time stops and the angry people, who wanted to see me suffer so much, **truly** get to see me suffer now. They turn their heads to the funeral procession, watching intently with a morbid fascination. The one carrying my beloved stops just short of the grave and looks my way – Watari – with an attentive, yet emotionless expression._

_"Ts-Tsuzuki!" I cry out again, tears running down my face and hissing in the fire._

_The dead man – **my** dead man – tilts his head towards me and gives me a loving smile, but his eyes contradict it to extremes…and without a trace of gentleness or concern, Watari dumps him into the grave._

_"TSUZUKI!" I scream at the top of my lungs. "Watari! He's not dead! Help him, please! …WATARI!"_

_Watari ignores me, though, grabs a shovel, and starts burying the hole in the earth._

_"WATARI!" I scream frantically, no longer aware of anything besides the two of them. "Please **help** him! …Ts-Tsuzuki! …**TSUZUKI!**"_

_"Tsuzuki!"_ I cried out in a choked voice, awaking from the nightmare abruptly in a cold sweat. I sat up and it took me a minute to register exactly where I was – in the hotel room in my bed… When my gaze immediately fell upon Tsuzuki in his bed, I breathed a sigh of relief and crept over to his side, making sure he was really there. He was sleeping soundly…and absolutely _reeked_ of alcohol. For some reason, though, I felt absolute _terrified_ to go back to sleep…for fear of having that dream or one like it again…

_I…I shouldn't…_

But I did. I found myself sneaking quietly into bed with him, careful not to wake him up, and hugging his chest desperately. The scent of alcohol was _awful_…but it was a part of Tsuzuki and for that reason, I _needed_ it. Anything. _Anything_ of him.

_He's anaddiction – I **need** him so much…_

When I woke up that morning, clutching Tsuzuki's chest, I felt so dizzy and exhausted from the night before…but being with Tsuzuki was so comforting. I couldn't help it when I sighed and buried my face in his chest, taking in his scent, even if it _did_ reek of alcohol.

_"You're awake. _Finally. _…What the hell do you think you're doing, anyway?"_

It registered in my mind that it was Tsuzuki's voice and Tsuzuki was _awake_. I blushed a dozen shades of red and tilted my head to look up at him sheepishly. Unlike past mornings, he didn't greet me with a loving, sleepy face. _"I…had a nightmare."_

_His expression tells me that he believes me, but doesn't want to care_.

_"…Get out of my bed,"_ he muttered sharply.

_"Sorry,"_ I mumbled sadly as I let go of him and slide out of his bed, going to sit on mine. I buried my head in my hands, trying to shake out the memory of my nightmare.

Tsuzuki's voice took on a softer tone, _"…That bad?"_

_He's referring to my nightmare_, I noticed. Sighing, I explained, _"…Yeah. I dreamed that dozens and dozens of angry people were burning me at a stake like some kind of witch… My parents were there and they, along with everyone else, were happy to see me suffer, but there was a funeral nearby that nobody attended except the guy carrying the dead man… I realized that the dead man…was you…and…Watari was the one carrying you. You weren't dead, but I guess only I could see that. I screamed and cried out that you weren't dead, but no one would listen and Watari threw you in the grave anyway and started to bury you. I…I kept screaming out your name…but no one would listen…"_ I hadn't realized it, but as I told him about my nightmare, tears streamed down my face.

I could tell by his expression that my dream unnerved and disturbed him, but all he said was, _"…It was just a dream."_ I watched him as he rose from his bed and made his way to the bathroom. I guess…when he had woken up before me, he put his impenetrable shields up again because I couldn't feel a thing from him. As I heard the shower start to run, I wondered what was _really_ going through his mind…

* * *

**End of Part 1, Chapter 7**

Actually, there's a _reason_ why Hisoka dreamt that stuff and how he felt during it…which you will find out during _Watari's_ part. A little ways to go…ooh, I feel really bad now for making you wait. Just keep this scene in mind? Actually, it's okay if you forget because it's not exactly vital to the story or anything…er, at least Hisoka's dream… I think I should stop typing this now…


	8. Hisoka, Chapter 8

**Title**: Anti-Nostalgic (Hisoka, Chapter 8)  
**Author**: Elf Asato  
**Pairings**: Tsuzuki/Hisoka, Watari/Hisoka  
**Warnings**: Regular warnings…  
**Disclaimer**: Yami no Matsuei belongs to the great Matsushita-sensei and if I butcher her name, it's out of love. _Anti-Nostalgic_ is a song from Gravitation so that doesn't belong to me, either.  
**Notes**: The last chapter in Hisoka's POV. I have Hisoka's to base themTsuzuki's next onesoff, but there's more complicated stuff to write…argh…

**Anti-Nostalgic**  
By Elf Asato

-Hisoka-

_Just a few more days left…a few more days_, I kept telling myself. Our vacation had become almost like work, only worse because there was nowhere to turn to for comfort. Tsuzuki and I largely avoided each other – he would go to the pool while I would stay inside and catch up on reading, maybe explore the town… The rare times we actually interacted, though, he tried to act like there wasn't really anything wrong. His "happiness" was strained.

Anyone could have seen through that.

On this particular day, though, I decided to read a new book I found at the library in the comfort of our hotel room while Tsuzuki spent the afternoon at the poolside. I probably _should_ have been concerned that my partner was off by himself and I _would _have if I hadn't been able to watch him from the hotel window… Amongst the throngs of people sun tanning, I could always pick him out and that comforted me – even if he never wanted to see me again…if I could just _watch_ him…

Today, though, I wouldn't allow my mind to worry over him – instead, I would pour my heart into these characters, the lives they lead, the conflicts they resolve… Being a speed-reader, I was about one-third into the novel when I heard a soft knock on the door.

_Can't be Tsuzuki…Tsuzuki just comes right in…_

Hesitantly I set my book down, careful to mark my place, and opened the door – only to have Watari's smiling face greet me.

_"Oh…hi,"_ I muttered. Not much of a greeting, eh?

_"Hey, Bon!"_ he smiled brightly. His eyes and expression became serious, but he was still in a good mood as he asked hesitantly, _"…May I come in?"_

Silently I moved out of the way and gestured for him to come in, closing the door behind him when he did so. _"Make yourself at home,"_ I sighed as I chose to stand and lean against a wall.

Watari wasted no time. _"So…I hear things are pretty strained between you and Tsuzuki, eh?"_ He faced me with such an honest and open expression.

_"So you 'hear' things,"_ I muttered as I _glared_ at him, growing bitter at his word choice.

_"Yeah,"_ he admitted sheepishly, _"I've…had a few talks with Tsuzuki…"_

_"Oh _great_,"_ I groaned as I went and sat on my bed for some comfort. I had a bad, almost _guilty_ feeling about what he was going to say…

Watari pulled out a chair from the small table in our room and sat in it, assuring me, _"I'm _really_ sorry about everything…"_

_"It's not your fault, it's mine,"_ I sighed, looking off as I tried to avoid looking directly at him.

_"No it's _not_,"_ he said shortly. _"It's…not really your fault that you can't control your empathy as well as we'd like you to."_

I looked directly into his eyes, almost offended by that remark, but I softened when I felt nothing bitter it – he was just being honest with me.

I _was_ about to say something when he continued, _"…You know, Tsuzuki's really hurt, but he doesn't think you're to blame, either. He's just…trying to cope with a broken heart. Anyway, I just came here to say goodbye since my time off is almost up."_

_"Oh. See you at work, then,"_ I said bluntly, drawing my knees up to my chest and hugging them slightly.

He just stared at me for a few seconds before smiling at me, gently. _"You know…I wasn't lying when I told you that I loved you. I really do love you with my entire heart…but…I'd like to think that the only person who could really make you happy is Tsuzuki."_

_"Like hell that's ever going to happen now,"_ I sighed dejectedly, surprised at my own words as I laid my chin on the tops of my knees. _"Things are just too screwed up between us to be fixed…"_

_"If you two really wanted it to happen, you could make it work,"_ he said, so softly that it was almost a whisper as he rested his elbow on the table and his chin in his hand. _"He loves you dearly, I hope you know that."_

I couldn't help rolling my eyes as I looked away. _"Yeah right. How could he ever love me after being betrayed like that? He even _told_ me he didn't want to love me anymore…"_

_"People say things they don't really mean when they're hurt,"_ Watari offered as he gazed at me, his eyes smiling gently. _"…They try to say hurtful things to cover the fact that _they're_ in pain. …You of all people should know that, Bon."_

_"Say whatever the _hell_ you wanna say and get out," _I spat, glaring at him as those cheerful and loving eyes countered mine.

_"I love you and I want to see you happy. Your happiness is mine,"_ he stated simply as he rose up from the chair and pushed it in. _"I'll be leaving now."_

My mouth gaped open for words, anything, to come out…but not a sound was emitted. Instead the door opened and Tsuzuki calmly started to walk in, stopping, though, when he saw Watari. _"Oh…hi,"_ he squeaked, almost _startled_, _"I just…never mind!" _With that he turned to leave, but Watari's words made him stop.

_"I was just telling Bon that I'm going back to work."_

Tsuzuki almost paused before he smiled and tried to be cheerful, _"Guess the office's peace and quiet is over, eh?"_

Watari just laughed lightly and agreed, leaving shortly after bidding me a final goodbye.

I'll admit, I was almost saddened to see him leave since I could no longer distract myself from Tsuzuki's presence in the room. From spending afternoons by the pool, he developed quite a nice tan – after being horribly burned the first time, though – that was _very_ distracting at times… I tried my hardest to ignore him as I crawled off my bed to grab my book, returning quickly, though, as soon as I had it. Opening up to where I left off, I started to read, becoming engrossed in the story again. So engrossed that I barely heard when Tsuzuki spoke to me. _"…What?"_ I asked, taking my eyes off the captivating words and glancing up at him.

_"I asked if it was a good book,"_ he reiterated softly for my convenience as he stared out the window to the view below, watching kids play in the pool, I suppose.

_"Yeah,"_ I muttered, starting to read where I left off.

_"What's it about?"_ he continued, interrupting my reading.

I sighed, annoyed if this was his attempt as conversation with me, _"It's about this woman whose father was murdered and the police arrest her husband, so she tries to find the real killer."_

Tsuzuki gazed light-heartedly into my eyes and actually **smiled**, _"I think it's nice that the main character is a woman. It used to always be males who were the main characters in novels and short stories. What kind of person is she?"_

_"Uh…"_ I muttered as I tried to figure out _why_ Tsuzuki was interested in this, _"she seems to be strong and outspoken."_

_"Aw,"_ he groaned, _"they're _always_ that way. Why can't someone shy be the main character for once? You never read about the shy people."_

_"Well, I'm sure that there are _some_ stories that have someone shy as the main character. …But, someone shy isn't likely to initiate much action,"_ I reasoned, recalling most of the books I've read.

_"But…but…but," _he stammered passionately, standing up for shy characters everywhere, _"they could just…have all these things happen to them without really _initiating_ anything…!"_

_"Well you can go write your own story about a shy woman as the main character who has stuff happen to her while I continue reading about an outspoken one who initiates action,"_ I stated abruptly, turning back to my book. He didn't say anything for a while and I found myself curious as to what he was doing, so I nonchalantly glanced up – only to find him still at the window looking out, this time with a sad smile on his face. I set my eyes back to the words on the page, but with my empathy I reached out to feel him…

Mixed emotions, but foremost, _frustration_.

…The rest of the night and the next days after were relatively uneventful – occasionally we would attempt at conversation, but it always died off awkwardly. I should have been relieved that we didn't bicker even _once_…but our arguments were always comforting to me because it let me know that he cared.

_Now I just don't know…_

Sleep on the last night of our vacation was in particular fitful because of a nightmare I had about that night with Muraki under the sakura…but it wasn't like the rest of my nightmares. Usually, it lasts all night and I wake up feeling drained and slightly paranoid…but in the middle of the nightmare I had that night, everything was erased by a wave of kindness and replaced with dreams of better times: ice cream with Tsuzuki, shopping with Tsuzuki, working with Tsuzuki, just being there with Tsuzuki, just Tsuzuki…Tsuzuki.

_Tsuzuki_.

* * *

**End of Part 1, Chapter 8**

This is the _last chapter_ in Hisoka's part! Rejoice!


	9. Tsuzuki, Chapter 1

**Title:** Anti-Nostalgic (Tsuzuki, Chapter 1)  
**Author:** Elf Asato  
**Pairings:** Tsuzuki/Hisoka, Tatsumi/Tsuzuki  
**Warnings:** Typical warnings.  
**Disclaimer:** Yami no Matsuei belongs to the great Matsushita-sensei and if I butcher her name, it's out of love. _Anti-Nostalgic_ is a song from Gravitation so that doesn't belong to me, either.  
**Notes:** I really like how the lyrics for Tsuzuki's part fits in And hey, it even says Tsuzuki in it! And again…when Tsuzuki says "you" he means Tatsumi since he's telling him. Gah, confusion

**Anti-Nostalgic**  
By Elf Asato

"I see," is all I can say as Kurosaki-kun finishes telling me his part of the conflict. How terribly unnecessary all this is. Anyone can see that these two love each other, but they're too afraid of hurting each other to actually work through problems and conflicts successfully.

He takes his eyes from his neglected coffee and places them onto me, somehow hoping that I could just wave a magic wand and make everything all right. In truth, I wish I could. "…So…?" he asks.

"You're an idiot," I reply honestly.

At first he looks slightly peeved, but then he shifts his eyes off somewhere and becomes oddly pensive. "…I know."

"See? That's part of the problem," I state firmly, hoping he'll come to terms with himself and this situation. "You just leave things as they are without any intention of trying to change something. If you have a problem, you should work to _fix_ it, not sit around moping and hope that it'll take care of itself."

Kurosaki-kun stands up from his seat angrily and looks like he's about to retort, but I continue, "Now, with that said, what do you think you should do?"

Sitting back down with a resigned look on his face, he answers, "…Talk to that idiot…"

"Who's the idiot?"

"We both are," Kurosaki sighs as he buries his face in his hands, "but Tsuzuki…he doesn't want to talk to me."

I simply stare at him blankly for a few seconds before asking, "Who says?"

He looks up inquisitively. "…What do you mean?"

"Who says Tsuzuki doesn't want to talk to you?" I reiterate with a smile for his convenience. "From what you've told me about the last days of your vacation…it sounded like _he_ wanted to talk to you…. Could it be that _you_ don't want to talk to him?"

Kurosaki-kun looks away and I know I'm right…as evident from this smug smile I can't seem to wipe from my face. "Whenever I talk to him," he explains, "…it only seems like I'm hurting him more."

"Hmm, well I don't quite know how Tsuzuki feels about all this so…" I trail off, thinking that I should probably consult Tsuzuki before advising his partner any more. "Perhaps after talking to him I can help you more."

Those unique green eyes flash with near horror. "_Please_ don't tell him anything I said!"

I understand that those words Kurosaki-kun said to me were from his heart, so of course I wouldn't dream of betraying him like that. To ease his mind and heart, I tell him this.

He seems relieved for the time being and actually looks a bit cheerful. "Thank you, Tatsumi-san."

"No problem," I answer with a pleasant smirk. "That'll be 500 yen."

"_W-what!_"

With a short chortle, I wink at him and say, "But since it's your first time, I'll let you have my advice for free."

Looking a bit shaken, he simply nods his head and chokes out, "Thank you."

"My pleasure." With that, I get up from my seat and exit the break room, leaving Kurosaki-kun alone to think.

I have to admit I'm in a considerably better mood now than I was before as I make my way back to the office. As soon as I enter, though, Kachou beckons me to his workspace and I immediately see a half-eaten cheesecake on his desk.

"Tatsumi!" he greets jovially as he pats my shoulder. "So nice to see you!"

I take a wild guess at who ate that cheesecake. He always _is_ in such a good mood after eating sweets… "The same to you, Kachou," I reply out of courtesy with a smile.

"Would you like some cheesecake? I told Tsuzuki that I'd only let him mope around the office if he'd buy me sweets in return."

I have to chuckle. "No thank you. By the way, where is Tsuzuki? I don't think I saw him in the office when I came by…"

"Oh him?" Kachou mutters offhandedly, more preoccupied with the cheesecake than anything else as he takes another slice. "I think he said something about going home early…."

Hmm. Interesting. "I think…that I shall do the same…"

"W-what?" he stutters in alarm, nearly dropping his slice. "_You_ going home _early_?"

I sigh and roll my eyes. Is it _really_ that unusual? …On second thought, I understand his alarm. "I'll be _back_."

"Er, alright…"

I excuse myself and plan to go straight to Tsuzuki's apartment…

As expected, Tsuzuki doesn't immediately answer when I knock loudly on his apartment door. I have to repeat the process five times over before he finally comes to the door, sick of my persistent knocking I'll bet.

Just barely opening up the door, he informs me, "I don't – oh!" The door swings right open and a slightly disheveled Tsuzuki greets me, "Tatsumi! …What are you doing here?"

"Just…stopping by to say hi," I say, trying on my most disarming smile. "May I come in?"

"Uhh…sure," he mutters as he steps aside to let me in. From his actions, it's apparent that he hadn't really expected anyone to stop by, let alone me. "Make yourself at home."

"Thank you," I say gratefully as I stride in and he closes the door. Immediately taking charge of the situation, I ask, "Would you like some tea?" I know he always has tea in his kitchen cupboards to go with certain cakes.

He looks startled, and I don't blame him. "Ah…ah…yes?" he answers and immediately follows me like a curious puppy when I make my way to his kitchen. "Umm…um...thank you, Tatsumi."

"You're quite welcome, Tsuzuki," I answer, patting his head as I find packets for Green tea. "So, you left work early… Are you sick?"

"Nah, just lazy," he answers immediately with an almost impish grin, but I know he's lying to me. I've known and watched him so long that I know almost every expression and gesture he makes – I know how his eyes light up when he can't stop smiling over the prospect of cake…and how his eyes become faraway when he sees his partner…

"Ah, yes. You _did_ just return from your vacation, after all," I say as I play along with him. "How _was_ it, by the way? You never told me."

"Aren't you supposed to be at work right now?" he asks, obviously and deliberately changing the subject.

"Yes, but I was so driven by curiosity over what your vacation was like that I couldn't stand it and absolutely _had_ to come over here and bug you about it," I smile and run water into the kettle. I suppose he knew I wasn't serious about what I had said.

"Ah, you wouldn't be interested in it anyway. All we did was lay out by the pool all day," he tries to deflect me once again. I have to admire his persistence, though. It probably comes from decades of trying to persuade me to up the budget…

"Yes, but as a mundane person, I'm interested in mundane things," I smile innocently at him and put the tea packet in the kettle.

He just shakes his head childishly and looks at me with those shimmering amethyst orbs. "Yeah, but it was really boring – even for you!"

I'm somewhat irked at that statement. …With my stubbornness and his persistence, this could take all day, so it seems I have to resort to my old standby – shadow threatening. "Tsuzuki," I say almost warningly as I expand my spiritual energy to make the shadows in the room ripple so much that not even _he_ could possibly be oblivious to it, "tell me."

"But Tatsumi –"

"**Tell me**," I growl, my patience wearing thin, and make the shadows violently contort into the semi-scary things I know he's afraid of – cookie monster, bogeyman, all things of that nature. The shadows uncontrollably revert to their natural state, though, when he starts to cry.

"Hidoiiiiiiiiiii, Tatsumi!" the inu-Tsuzuki whines as he tries to wipe away the tears quickly. "You're just as mean as Hisoka!"

Calmly as if nothing ever happened, I turn on the stove and set the kettle on its range. "And how was he mean to you…?"

"Well, you see, he –" Tsuzuki starts in full Complain Mode before realizing that he was just about to _tell me_. "Umm…"

"What did Kurosaki-kun do to you?" I ask gently as I turn to him with another disarming smile.

Tsuzuki sighs and gives a side-glance to the stove range, looking a bit guilty. From years of observing him, I can tell that he's ready to give up. "…Well, he didn't exactly _do_ anything…but…you see, it all started when we took our vacation…"

I give him a reassuring smile and myself an inward sigh of relief. _Finally_.

-Tsuzuki-

** To withdraw, the cloud carries away  
****My feelings, stopping to just stand on the path returning home  
****You are already of the continuing dream  
****With not the intention of being reached and I understand **

_"Kyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!"_ I squealed as Hisoka handed in our report to Kachou, signaling the start of our very first vacation together. It didn't matter _where_ we were going as long as we were going _somewhere_ **together**. _"Vacation!"_ I chanted excitedly as I made laps around Kachou's office. In my happiness, I stopped to pick up a stapler and pencil holder from his desk and held a conversation:

_"Oh hello Mrs. Stapler, where are 'Soka-chan and Tsuzuki going?"_

_"Oh hi Mr. Pencil Holder, I think they're going on a…"_

_"A what?"_

_"Mr. and Mrs. Office Supplies, we're going on a _vacation_!"_ I wiggled enthusiastically as Hisoka raised an eyebrow and Kachou started to push us out…

After a few hours of taunting everyone we saw with the fact that _we_ were going on a _vacation_ and doing all the necessary packing, we arrived at the heavenly little resort outside a big city. I couldn't believe that it was actually _nice_! No expenses were spared!

_I'll have to really thank Tatsumi when we get back!_

_--_

"Oh!" he stops, "thank you, Tatsumi!"

I blink. "Uh…you're welcome…"

-Tsuzuki-

The hotel was _so_ nice and I wanted to explore it, but Hisoka seemed to want to actually check in first… I _tried_ to wait for him, I really did, but I just…couldn't! All the floors were nice and shiny so I rolled around on them for a while until this lady came and asked if I was having a seizure. I just giggled and bounced off until I came to a notice on the wall beside a large, spacious, and very, very shiny room advertising the hotel ball that would be held sometime around the middle of our vacation.

A _ballroom dance_! I couldn't believe my eyes! Ever since Ruka taught me how, I've _loved_ to dance, but since dying, I hadn't really had a chance at it except that one case with Hisae.

_Dancing at it with Hisoka would be _perfect

I tried to envision it all: the classical waltz playing in the background, people around us moving artfully to the music, and us holding each other, dancing the traditional waltz. It was almost a fairy-tale fantasy!

_Hisoka's hands are small and delicate, but would they feel like a woman's in a dance? Perhaps they're larger, not like mine, but…_

Not having formally held Hisoka's hand before, it was somewhat difficult to try to imagine how they would fit into mine. Would they be too large to comfortably fit in my hands…? Or perhaps they would be too small…? And the temperature of his hands – would they be too hot? Too cold? My own hands are a little on the warm side, so what if his were too cold? It would make them difficult and uncomfortable to hold, and I would just end up feeling cold all over. I never did like that feeling… But what if they were too hot? That would be even worse because they would get all sweaty and it'd be difficult to grasp them, not to mention the fact that it would be too uncomfortable…

_"My wife is overly excited about this ball and is really looking forward to it. I personally hate dancing, but if it makes her happy, then I'll gladly do it,"_ a soft and deep voice interrupted my thoughts. With a start, I looked to see who it was and saw a middle-aged man walking down the hall towards me. _"What about you? Do you have a loved one to go with?"_

I looked at him and smiled. He had nice, pleasant eyes – the kind that are a joy to talk to, no matter the color. You have eyes like those…did you know that? His were a soft sea green. …I really don't know why I noticed that about him. _"I'd like to think so!"_

_"I know young people like you like to believe that there's a soul mate out there waiting to find you… My daughter's like that, always thinking that she'll meet the man of her dreams everywhere she goes,"_ he said, misunderstanding me I think.

It still made me laugh happily, though, especially at how he called _me_ young. _"Well I think I've found mine."_

This man was a romantic at heart – I could tell by the way his eyes lit up when he talked about his family. _"Really? That's wonderful. I think people give up too easily, though, in their search for true love and that's why there are so many divorces nowadays, but it's truly wonderful that you've found your own."_

_"Yeah,"_ I agreed, feeling even more energized by this talk about love. Unlike others that I work with, I don't really think I hide the fact that I passionately believe that there's someone out there for everyone. People just…have to try a couple of times. _"Only…I think he hates me."_

_"Oh,"_ he stated in surprise, startled by my words, _"that…puts a damper on things, doesn't it?"_

I just laughed again and put on my second-most brilliant and beautiful smile – the first is just for _him_. _"Not really, because I know I'll win his heart!"_

The man's surprise changed into a broad smile, but he said nothing else. Even as I waved goodbye to him, he just nodded, continuing that broad and happy smile.

I couldn't stop smiling as well as I ran down the hall to apologize to…that person…

_…The person whose heart I _know_ I'll win because I _know_ he's my soul mate…_

_"Hisoka!"_ I cried out as I burst into our new hotel room (hey, I was listening to their conversation in my impatience!), scaring the crap out of him, I think. I kept begging for him to forgive me for ditching him, even though his eyes told me they weren't mad. In return, I wanted to show him the shiny ballroom. That was my happiness and I wanted to share it with him.

_What my happiness is, I want to be his_.

I told him about the ball the hotel was hosting and about how shiny and pretty the ballroom was. He called me a magpie, so I said to him that I wanted to dance with him.

And…you know what…?

He said yes.

_I'll win your heart, Hisoka, just to share my happiness and make you smile._

Enthusiastically, I took him on a tour of the hotel room, showing him everything I had seen and felt. I know I had to have been making him sick from all the happiness I was radiating, but I couldn't help it.

I wanted the world to know he told me yes.

During the tour, though, he became distant…like his heart was somewhere else and his body was just left to distract me. I _had_ to bring him back to me, so I hoisted his body up into my arms and started to walk back to the room, hoping his heart would follow.

_Hisoka's really light… He really should eat more, you know._

I knew his heart had caught up with us when he started to protest. Of course, despite what he wanted me to do, I _was not_ going to put him down. He was…tired…yeah, that's it. _Tired_, so naturally I had to carry him. I don't think he quite saw my logic, but then again, few people do.

Eventually he resigned himself and just let me carry him, scowling at me every once in a while, but his eyes gave everything away. He was actually…happy.

I like eyes, except for my own, because they show what people are really thinking and feeling. Hisoka's eyes, velvety green, _try_ to hide his feelings, but don't do a very good job of it at times, while Watari's, shining amber, show everything he's ever felt. Your eyes, icy blue, take years of observation to tell exactly what you feel, but they light up when you're happy and darken when you're sad or angry.

Did you know that?

When we got back to the hotel room, I laid him down on the bed, still keeping a hold of him as I observed his beautiful eyes.

_Right now they're scared…why are they scared?_

_"…Do you want something?"_ he asked, but by looking into his eyes, I could tell that wasn't the case.

I thought about this one. What could I tell him? _Ummm…_ _"A tip."_

_"A tip?"_

_"Yes, a tip."_

_"…For what?"_

_"Carrying you, of course!"_

"…_Idiot… What kind of tip do you want?"_

_I want your eyes to sparkle and the corners of your mouth tug into a smile. That's the type of tip that would make my day. _

But what could I tell him? That I want him to be beautiful? That's…what he _is_ when he smiles.

Beautiful.

_"A tippy tip!"_ I smiled, thinking of a beautiful Hisoka. That's what he is.

Always.

…Did I say he was beautiful? That wasn't beautiful – _this_ was beautiful. He smiled at me.

I. Made. Him. Smile.

_"Idi-"_ he started before I pressed my nose against his to be closer to heaven – closer to his eyes and smile.

_"…ot?"_ I finished with a happy and dreamy smile.

He called me a dorkfish and that made me laugh. Even when he's trying to be angry, he's beautiful and that makes me happy.

…Because when he's beautiful, he's smiling – with his eyes or with his mouth. When he's smiling, I'm smiling. When I'm smiling…I'm with him.

And when I'm with him, I'm in heaven.

_"…What's a tippy tip?"_ he asked softly…and I never thought he could take on that tone.

It…was like someone flipped a switch and made me feel that way. I could feel the blood rushing all over my body and my face heat up while my tummy did flip-flops. The way he looked at me with those stunningly gorgeous velvety green eyes…my body just moved on it's own, leaving me to ask it just what the heck it thought it was doing. I know I slid my hands down to his hips and brushed his lips softly as I leaned in, but it felt like I had no control over what I was doing.

…I didn't want to have control.

Why couldn't someone just gag the cautious and rational me and throw me in a closet or something? When he let out a soft moan that vibrated slightly against my lips, that's when _everything_ hit me.

I couldn't do it.

_"CHICKEN!" _I squeaked and bolted upright. Yeah, that's what I was, Grade A Chicken: Gushoshin style. _"Ah yeah, that's what a tippy tip is! Chicken! Hey, you know, I'm going to see if they have any chicken because boy do I want some! Be back later!"_ I'm almost ashamed and impressed at how fast I bolted out of there.

_Auggggggh! Tsuzuki Asato, you stupid idiot!_

I walked around the hotel, trying to shake that feeling of impending doom and my own stupidity.

_I _had_ something good, you know! Tsuzuki's you're just a—_

_"Yeah, well…_you_ have no self control!"_

…

_"…"_

_…SO!_

I was even arguing with myself! Out of desperation and my body's torment, I lay down on the floor and writhed in my own self-agony.

The lady from earlier came out of her room, staring at me, and I stared back, feeling like a deer caught in headlights.

_"Honey, he's doing it again!"_

Before "honey" could come out and tell me to get lost and stop creeping his darling out, I took off on my own, reluctantly going back to the hotel room where I had chickened out.

_Chicken… "Um…um…they're all out of chicken…" _I told him as soon as I got back.

Hisoka just stared at me and gave me this look. _"…Okay…"_

He didn't seem mad or freaked out about what happened earlier, so I let it go and instead challenged him to a game of Gin.

You know…Hisoka's a fabulous Gin player, actually. I suck.

During our many games…he seemed quiet, as if lost in thought. I guess I really was a chicken because I didn't want to question him or break that silence. I just…didn't want anything painful to come up…. I guess I took advantage of his silence and thought about things – everything – until I finally reached a conclusion…

I _really_ suck at Gin.

After my proclamation that I wouldn't stop until I won, I kept losing until Hisoka let me win that last one – _that's_ how much I suck at that game. But…that's not the only conclusion I reached…

_"Hey, tomorrow morning, why don't we go into the city? We can act like tourists for the day. Won't that be fun?"_ he said to me and that made me happy. I like being happy.

_"Hai! …But…what about your empathy?"_

_"I'll try to block everyone out and just concentrate on having fun. With all the distractions, it should be easy."_

_Liar…but at least he wants to be with me._

_Do I…make him happy?_

_…_

_He makes me happy…_

* * *

**End of Part 2, Chapter 1**

Sorry if I don't know how to make tea! (Everything I make in the kitchen burns…that, or it makes my mom throw up…)

_Toozakaru kumo ni nosete  
__Boku no kimochi tachidomaru kaerimichi  
__Kimi wa mou yume no tsuzuki  
__Todoku hazu mo nai koto datto wakatteiru_


	10. Tsuzuki, Chapter 2

**Title:** Anti-Nostalgic (Tsuzuki, Chapter 2)  
**Author:** Elf Asato  
**Pairings:** Tsuzuki/Hisoka, Tatsumi/Tsuzuki  
**Warnings:** Typical warnings  
**Disclaimer:** You've been following, you know the drill  
**Notes:** And again…when Tsuzuki says "you" he means Tatsumi since he's telling him. Gah, confusion.

**Anti-Nostalgic  
**By Elf Asato

-Tsuzuki-

_Shopping shopping shopping! Shopping with Hisoka! Shopping shopping shopping shopping touring shopping flirting loving shopping shopping shopping shopping…!_ _Tourism Hisoka souvenirs Hisoka Hisoka Soka gifts presents food happy happy happy happy! I'm gonna spend all the money in the world!_

All right, so maybe I wasn't going to spend _that_ much. I was just happy to go somewhere with Hisoka – anywhere would be fine! We could even take a tour of the city's dump and that would be wonderful because I'd be with Hisoka. It would _smell_, but I'd be with Hisoka!

I jumped around the room, trying to rouse my partner into my spirited state, but he still seemed half asleep. I was just going to have to wake him up!

_"Come on, Hisoka, let's go!"_

I was quite surprised and pleased that he let me take him wherever I wanted to go. That meant he was happy just to be with me, right? …Or maybe that just meant that he just wanted to avoid confrontation… In any case, I was happy to be with him whether or not he was happy as well – I assumed he was since he didn't complain!

Oooooh Tatsumi, you should have seen the stores they had! That had a specialty store for nearly everything you could think of! There was a store just for cuddly stuffed animals, sewing, sports…you name it, and it was there! Of course…what I _really_ enjoyed, aside from the food, was the antique store I found. Even though antiques are usually a century or more years old, they had little knickknacks from the fifties, forties, so on and so forth. I found this doll from _my_ era! She was so pretty with her curly brown hair and pink parasol! I wanted to buy her and give her a name, but she was too expensive and she already had a name anyway – Suzette. The entire rime I was there, I kept thinking that I wish I had more money! There were these _beautiful_ and genuine Tiffany lamps in the back, and I immediately wanted to get them for you – they were a citrine-like yellow and I know how you like that color – but they were _way_ too expensive… Sometimes I wish that years and _years_ ago, I would have bought all the stuff I wanted to buy because they're all antiques and worth something now! What I _did_ get, though, was this small glass marigold. I don't know how much it was really worth or even what year it was from, but I knew that I liked it. I remembered from when I was little Ruka telling me that because those beautiful flowers smelled, they kept the bugs away and protected all the plants in the garden. "_Always have a marigold in your garden_," she said to me, "_because they're like the knights in a magic kingdom; they keep the other flowers safe_."

Now I don't know if that's true or not, but it made me happy. Even if it's not, because of her, I always have a marigold or two in every garden I have. Besides, it was her birth flower, and everything beautiful comes from October.

_Hisoka. Hisoka was born in October…ooh, I can't let him know I'm buying this for him right now! …Where is he…? Oh lucky, he's leafing through books!_

_I bought that glass marigold for a little over 1200 yen. I didn't know if that was a bargain or not, and frankly, I didn't care._

_I'm glad that Hisoka gets so absorbed in books – that makes buying this for him easier…_

_…A book! Aw, dammit, why didn't I think of that?_

Well, I'm sure he would have liked a book better, but on that day he was going to get a glass marigold, tinted the same hue as his cheeks when I make him blush. The more I thought about it, the more I loved that marigold.

Blowing the rest of my day's ration of money on sweets from the Cinnapon, we decided to have lunch at a small café. I didn't know how Hisoka felt, but my feet were killing me! I almost asked Hisoka if he'd give me a foot rub when we got back to the hotel, but I already knew what the answer to that would be…

So, while waiting for our food to come after ordering, we talked about everything we had seen and liked. Apparently, Hisoka liked the clothing stores we visited. It made me sad; it really did, because he died so young. He really should have been alive, joining that superficial teen mass in thinking that clothing, makeup, and the amount of friends you had were really the only things that mattered. More so than that, what _really_ made me sad was the fact that when I was growing up, it was so different. People were ready to do their part to help out and the only thing that really mattered was being loyal to your family's wishes…

…But I didn't want to think about that, so I told him about the Tiffany lamps I had seen. They were beautiful and Hisoka's beautiful, and beautiful people like beautiful things, so I know _both_ of you would have loved them…but alas…I had barely _any_ money to spend!

"Oh really?" I challenged with my eyebrow up as he tried to look convincing. "I looked at the expense report and you spent _quite_ a lot of money on that trip."

"I could have spent more," he countered innocently.

"I have no doubt that you could have."

He tried once more to look absolutely helpless and innocent. "That extra money could have been spent buying those lamps for you, or more souvenirs for the entire office! It could have been given to poor and defenseless homeless children on the streets!"

"It _could_ have, but you spent the majority of it at the bakery!"

"I…I…I…" Tsuzuki stuttered as his eyes mock-shimmered, "Hisoka was _starving_ me! I needed those live-giving pastries to survive!"

"Oh _really_?" I said skeptically. "You're dead, so it wouldn't have mattered if you starved, anyway! There are actual _starving_ _people_ in China who would _love_ to have that food!"

Tsuzuki tried to look dignified. "Well they couldn't have bought anything _anyway_ because everything was _so expensive_!"

"You know…" I smiled at him disarmingly, "I _could_ have you and your partner pay for the **entire** trip yourselves…"

He immediately dropped the subject with a frightened look and continued on.

Thought so.

Tsuzuki

After moaning about the injustice of not having enough money, I surprised him by saying that I had bought something for _him_. Reaching into one of our shopping bags I had so carefully hidden my purchase in, I pulled out a box gift-wrapped in a shiny blue paper. He was looking so surprised and confused, so I _had_ to give away my stealthy secret:

_"I bought it and had it gift-wrapped while you were looking at those old books…I hope you like it!"_

He hesitantly took the box from me and slowly opened it, _way_ too interested in the wrapping paper for my taste.

_Urugh, he's opening it TOO SLOW!_

_Wrapping paper's gone…good…protective tissues…ugh, Hisoka, you don't have to examine _every_ one! Ah, he's gotten to the present! _Finally!

It seems all my anxiety had built up just for that moment. I _desperately_ wanted him to like it! He stared at it, as if not knowing quite what it was.

_"It's a glass marigold," _I told him, _"Marigold is your birth flower, did you know that? I saw it and thought it just _really_ fit you well. Marigolds keep away bad stuff, like bugs or whatever that harms plants. That's why you sometimes see marigolds in gardens, even though they smell kind of weird. …At first I wasn't going to get it for you because I didn't think you would like it…but I noticed that the tint on the petals is like the shade you get when you blush. I hope you like it."_

I giggled softly because he almost looked like a gaping fish with how his little mouth opened and shut, trying to find words…and as soon as I saw that beautiful hue rise in his cheeks, I knew he liked it and my day was made.

He…actually told me that he loved it and it was beautiful. I was so happy – almost as if he had meant _me_. It was _so_ him. So _so_ **so**him.

Nothing else was said about the gift, apart from me being happy that he enjoyed it, and we went back to chattering about our day so far until my savior the food came. It made me happy because on the way there and in the hotel room, we talked about what we wanted to do on our vacation – almost as if we were discussing our dreams for the future together.

Together.

Everything seemed so right when we were together…

He wanted me to go down to the lobby and ask for a vase to put the glass flower in, so I practically ran down there! Fortunately they had one and were glad to give it to me, but it was _excruciating_ because I was afraid to run back up the stairs in fear of dropping it! …So I endured the pain and walked up those steps gently with my hands wrapped tightly around the fragile glass, but not so tight that it would break.

You know, it takes a _lot_ of coordination to carry something delicate slowly up a flight of stairs when you'd like nothing more than to be at the place you're heading for!

When I finally got back to the hotel room, though, we filled the vase with water and put the glass marigold inside, staring at our "artwork." It was so beautiful, and because of that, I knew Hisoka liked it.

_Beautiful people like beautiful things._

* * *

**End of Part 2, Chapter 2**

Random Observation: My hands almost look _bony_ when I'm typing… Aah, I'd _love_ to draw them…! I love drawing hands. I'm just weird like that.


	11. Tsuzuki, Chapter 3

**Title:** Anti-Nostalgic (Tsuzuki, Chapter 3)  
**Author:** Elf Asato  
**Pairings:** Tsuzuki/Hisoka  
**Warnings:** Lime  
**Disclaimer:** Yami no Matsuei belongs to the great Matsushita-sensei and if I butcher her name, it's out of love. _Anti-Nostalgic_ is a song from Gravitation so that doesn't belong to me, either.  
**Notes:** Rawr. I had more than half of this done in June, but I went away to Oklahoma for the end of June to middle July! I couldn't work on it then! It was so depressing…but I'm back and it's done! Whee!

**Anti-Nostalgic**  
By Elf Asato

-Tsuzuki-

The days flew by like they were minutes – so fast that I was terrified that our vacation was almost at an end. Fortunately it was not and I had a week left of just Hisoka, all to myself. I liked that arrangement of just him – no work, no paperwork, no worries! …Well, at least the first two were on the dot; the third was iffy.

Time spent with Hisoka is like lemon drops: sweet in the beginning, but sour at the end. …Or maybe it was the other way around…? I like both Hisoka _and_ lemon drops.

Mm, Hisoka…

Er, I meant…

Mm, Hisoka…

Dammit!

I guess what I mean is that they're one and the same; if you have too much at one time, it leaves a burning, painful sensation in your mouth. That's what it was like, only with my heart. We were in our room, looking out at the ever-crowded pool when out of the blue I realized something.

I loved him.

Now, I've been telling myself that and believing it every waking second of the day, but it was different then. Right there, at that moment…it was like my heart jumped into my throat; I couldn't breathe, much less talk. …So I just watched him out of the corner of my eye, standing there with his hand so delicately poised against the cool pane of the glass, his beautiful green eyes gazing downward as he watched children laughing and playing in the pool in muted interest, the way his lips twitched ambiguously when one child dunked another… It was all so beautiful. It was all so pristine.

It was all so perfect.

Which was why I was so deathly afraid of the intensity of this emotion building up inside of me. It was so frightening. I didn't know what to do; I didn't know how he felt. Before, it all seemed so…innocent.

And this that I felt was anything _but_ that.

How would he feel if I told him what scorched me from head to toe every time I touched his hand, every time I looked at him…just _thinking_ about him… He'd hate me, I knew he would, but I couldn't keep it bottled up; I would explode otherwise. I didn't want to explode.

I wanted Hisoka.

Though my self-control is lacking at times, I was able to reasonably contain myself for both our sakes, but as we sat on our respective beds one night and he languidly read from the near-finished book he had started earlier that afternoon…

Well, it was rather hard to keep control.

I hated to bother him, I really did, but did he feel as I felt? Surely if not his own emotions he would have felt _mine_! They were so strong… I could think, feel, hear, or even touch anything else but him.

Did he hear and understand my heart?

My voice barely audible even to myself, I asked almost timidly, _"Hisoka?"_

Like the epitome of perfection he was, he placed his bookmark into the page he had been reading and gently closed the book, setting it on the nightstand beside him. _"Yes?"_

How did it feel? _Really_, how did it feel…to be an empath?

Everyone's deaf except you – you have perfect hearing. _That's…that's what it's like? He can feel this tainted sensation slowly conquering all that I am more so than I can myself? Then why isn't he reacting? Why isn't he telling me to get the hell away from him? …I can't control this anymore. He _must_ be able to feel this from me…_

_"I can't really sense anything from you right now," _he tells me when I ask.

_"It feels like I have no control over this."_

_"Tsuzuki…?"_

_"You know what everyone else feels…but can you really sort out what _you_ feel?"_ What did _he_ feel? What were _his_ emotions? _His _desires? Was he really just a slave to the fanciful whims of myself and countless others?

Like a mixed drink – you can't really tell what's what, but you know what's there…

_Out of all the insecurity of not knowing what's what, of never being sure exactly what it contains…_surely_ he must feel at least…_something_…for me? Hisoka, what do you really feel?_

_"I…I don't know. I wish I did, but I don't,"_ he stated with that gorgeous truthfulness I loved about him when I asked. So it really was his mixed drink and he didn't know exactly what was in it. He _could _have told me he hated me…and just the same, he could have told me…that he loved me.

He could have lied to me, but he didn't; he, in his pristine voice, told me the absolute truth: he didn't know. …And I'm so thankful for that. If he had lied to me, I would break into a thousand pieces, hopeless to fit back together again.

I had to get nearer to him; just being with him wasn't enough – I had to feel him right next to me. He tensed a little as I moved to sit next to him – nearer – and that made my heart fall, but I could only imagine what _he _felt.

_Fall, falling, I'm falling in love with you, Hisoka, in the deepest and worse way possible. …Will you ever forgive me?_

_…Just what is it that you feel? We're partners, right? Friends, yes?_

_…But are we what I want us to be, Hisoka?_

_Are we lovers?_

_…No…because I'm wrapped up in myself too tightly for you to ever know…but dammit, I feel for you so much._

_I love you, Hisoka._

The second that deep and heartfelt confession of mine escaped my lips, he stared at me silently with wide eyes…that produced the most beautiful tears I've ever seen.

Hisoka's tears…beautiful because they're his own.

_"…I think I love you."_

As soon as the words parted his lips, my eyes lit up like the tree at Christmas with all the joy in the world. I felt like I was a kid again – those happy, carefree and deliriously happy days revisiting me. He knew, I knew; he felt, I felt. It was like we were in perfect sync.

I was so happy just to be with him, to see his heart in his eyes; I know mine was as well. He kept crying, but it was beautiful, so beautiful.

He didn't hate me like I thought he would; he didn't push me away and tell me to get lost.

He loved me. He. Loved. Me!

_"I…I'm so…**happy** that you do…! I just…I wanted to tell you earlier…but I wasn't sure…and…I just…"_ I was bursting and bubbling with all these feelings – none of which I had any logical name for. Some were called fuzzy, others were mooshy, and then one was even squishy, but shining above the rest in big green letters was L-O-V-E. LOVE! Why?

Because _Hisoka loves me!_

_"Idiot…you talk too much," _he said, trying to regain some of his sharpness, but he failed miserably and we both know it.

I felt so much for him and I could see it in his eyes that he felt the exact same way.

_"You're right…I do,"_ I admitted with a laugh.

…But then something utterly strange happened. If I thought I had no control before…

I kissed him.

I wasn't a chicken, I wasn't afraid…I just kissed him, and oh god did we kiss! It was the most magical moment in my life – like everything was perfect, just right. His lips were so soft and moist; it was like they molded into mine perfectly and he leaned in to bring us closer.

I couldn't help myself, I really couldn't. Looking back, I guess it wasn't the best thing to do, especially rushing in headfirst, but our hearts were beating so fast and adrenaline coursed through my veins. I couldn't help it, I really couldn't.

As I took hold of his face, our kiss deepened and suddenly our tongues found each other. It was amazing. Like everything I wanted he anticipated beautifully and everything I wanted to do to him he wanted, too. I've never felt anything like it before.

That night I was the happiest man on earth.

--

Tsuzuki stopped and smiled at me, almost in a daze with his eyes shimmering and off somewhere very far away. His expression warranted no explanation. In probably the softest tone I've heard him use, he whispered with his heart in his eyes, "It was beautiful."

Of course, from talking to Hisoka, I felt I knew what had gone on, but that didn't stop a smile from creeping onto my face. Despite all that happened, he was still hopelessly and madly in love – something to be admired.

Against my will I felt nostalgic for a moment, thinking back to our partnership and wondering if it ever could have been like that with us… As soon as I gained control, I quickly banished those thoughts from my mind. This was Tsuzuki's time, not mine, and I was going to listen to every single word he had to say.

"I'll bet it was," I answered him finally, a ghost of a genuine smile still on my face it felt.

-Tsuzuki-

When the sun shone that morning, its rays were dancing happily as they soared across the sky and bounced off everything they touched like a trampoline. It was all wiggly, like one of Watari's drawings. It made me feel all warm and fuzzy as the sun hit my eyes; Hisoka was right next to me, curled up in my arms. I will never forget that moment of waking up to that. Simply amazing.

He stirred slightly, but then rolled over out of my reach. That's when I got out of bed and decided to make him breakfast. I cooked for him Tsuzuki's Special Pancakes with Love as the special ingredient and served him in bed. Surprisingly, he ate it, unlike he usually does.

How could I ever have doubted that Hisoka loved me?

Since Hisoka was happy, I was happy, and even the sun was happy, we decided to finally go to the pool. I practically couldn't contain myself; I was bouncing around from excitement.

Hisoka yelled at me, though, for running on wet concrete…

He smiled after that and hugged me, kissing my cheek when he thought no one was looking. I was so happy that day that nothing could change my mood; things could only get better. From the hugs, kisses, and love vibes, I thought I would burst from joy.

And when we met Watari at the poolside, I was ecstatic.

* * *

**End of Part 2, Chapter 3**

…Did you know that August 10th marks Anti Nostalgic's One Year Anniversary? I've been writing this thing for a year!A HUGE thanks to all of you who've kept with the story for that long! Especially all you who've been with me since the very beginning!

My writing's progressed…and when I read Sleepless Beauty and some of the earlier AN chapters, I just cringe…arr.

Anyway, hope this thing doesn't go onto _two_ years…


	12. Tsuzuki, Chapter 4

**Title**: Anti-Nostalgic (Tsuzuki, Chapter 4)  
**Author**: Elf Asato  
**Pairings**: Tsuzuki/Hisoka, Watari/Hisoka, Tatsumi/Tsuzuki  
**Warnings**: Language, the "M" word, and probably OOC  
**Disclaimer**: Yami no Matsuei belongs to the great Matsushita-sensei and if I butcher her name, it's out of love. _Anti-Nostalgic_ is a song from Gravitation so that doesn't belong to me, either.  
**Notes**: I suck at life. Kinda.

**Anti-Nostalgic**  
By Elf Asato

-Tsuzuki-

I'm a big believer of fate. Fate made me who I am, dumped me at the feet of everyone I care about…and those I don't. She brought me to Hisoka, she brought me to you, she brought me _here_…

She also brought him.

_"Bon?"_

Watari.

We met him at the poolside the _one_ day we actually decided to go. Like I said, it was fate. It had to have been her. He must have left that cute, plump owl back at the office because it was just him – tanner than any of us, he must have been going to the pool for days – standing there in what was probably belief.

Or maybe that was just my reflection in the water.

Hisoka didn't look too happy and I tried to rake my brain for why. I know he normally doesn't look _happy_ anyway, but I've been around him long enough to sense that sort of stuff. Watari was our friend, even if he had been acting a bit battier than usual as of late. …As far as I remembered, those two had always gotten along well…

What happened?

_"Watari!" _I exclaimed as I rushed over to our friend, and for a brief second he looked like a deer caught in headlights. _"Hey, what are you doing here? Y-you're not on vacation are you? Did you actually ask for days off? Are you staying at this hotel?"_ I wouldn't blame him if he turned tail and fled at my bombardment of questions.

He blinked a couple of times before erupting into that characteristic, wide smile of his. It was contagious to all but Hisoka, who had acquired some sort of immunity to this disease. As we found a more secluded part of the pool area to sit and talk in, Watari told us everything: he had asked for a few days and _amazingly_ Kachou granted it to him, leaving you and the cute 003 in charge of his area in his absence, but he was clueless that we were staying in the same hotel.

See what I mean by fate?

I was thrilled; how couldn't I be? _Watari_ was there with us! I actually had a drinking buddy now who didn't pass out after a glass of alcohol.

When fate lays her cards like that, you've got to take full advantage of it. With Watari there, we were going to paint the town and a genuine smile on Hisoka's face, hopefully. They'll be friends like nothing was ever wrong, and they'll have a good time.

They will if I have to force them to!

If you look up into the sky, it's guaranteed that you'll notice how beautiful the sky is, especially at night. Watari's a big stargazer, along with a few of my Shikis, so between everyone I've learned a thing or two about the stars and space.

One: Space is beautiful.

Two: Hisoka is beautiful.

So therefore it makes perfect sense that Hisoka be beautiful when he's spacing out, as he was on our sightseeing trip.

Although he's beautiful then (he's beautiful _any_ time), I tried to get him to snap out of it, to talk to us. Watari was quieter than usual and I felt it was my duty to keep the conversation going. Even just one word from Hisoka would help immensely.

He just told me he was sorry and fell silent again.

And so the conversation died.

We should have held a funeral for it, we really should have.

…Then I saw it again, that same antique store from before: the one that I found our Hisoka flower in, the one that had continued to captivate me. If only you could see the things inside. They're beautiful. They remind me of Hisoka.

I love them.

It was fate again, throwing in her pennies, that prompted me to go in alone. Watari and Hisoka waited on a park bench on the opposite side of the street waiting for me; I felt better knowing that they could at least sit down.

I didn't know what it was about that job that kept me coming. It was like I was in a whole other world again, a world of my own. There were things I recognized and thought I'd never see again, and things that were entirely new to me; whatever the object was, it fascinated me.

_I wonder…if I had been born an empath like Hisoka instead of the monster that I am, would I see images of my memories on the walls?_

Picking up a figurine of a ballerina in faded pink, I wondered how many people had touched her, how many people had loved her, how many lives had she changed? Something about her made me smile. Perhaps it was the way she stood so pointed on her feet, painting the picture of a song in her motionless dance. Or maybe it was how that faded tiara continued to shine after all the years since her production. It was faded and almost gone, but the glitter was still there, even if you couldn't see it with your eyes. 

She made me happy just looking at her.

The second I picked her up, though…I felt something wrong. Her eyes were a curious and unnatural shade of blue – one that's only possible today through those new colored contact lenses. Was that why she was sitting on a shelf in a store rather than on a mantel or dresser of a family who loved her?

Was she just like me?

I set her down on the shelf again, feeling that happiness fade completely. Should I have bought her? Should I have given her a home?

Should I loved her rather than feel a glowing hatred?

_"If these objects could talk, what do you think they would say…Tsuzuki-san?"_

A definite chill shot up throughout my body, freezing from the tips of my toes to the top of my head; it was so cold. I was scared as anything, but I really tried to hide it; I couldn't expose something like that…to that voice.

_"…T-they would ask you what the hell you're doing here…and why the hell you're still alive,"_ I croaked, wincing at my falter and the lack of confidence or aggression in my voice.

_"How defensive you are. Why, I'm only alive through the wonder of medicine and technology, although your black snake certainly did a number on the lab and myself. But…contrary to what you may be thinking, I'm not in town to torment you or anyone. I'm only here visiting a dear friend. Nothing more."_ Everything that I despised dripped from his tone: the tone of a rapist, a murderer, a molester, a liar.

I tried to steel myself as I cautiously turned to face him, but no matter how many times I may do it, I will never fully be able to face that man calmly or without emotion.

After all, there's just something about Muraki that sparks something deep within you.

He stood there before me and even had the audacity to smile.

How I hated that smile.

_"Somehow, I have a hard time believing that, Muraki,"_ I tried to growl, to sound ferocious…so intimidating that he would be blasted to tiny bits just from fear… But unfortunately he neither blew up into bits nor fled. That bastard continued his calm smile tinged with his ever-present amusement that…positively _infuriated_ me.

_The world's a fucking joke, isn't it now?_

_"Whether you choose to believe it or not, that's what I'm here doing,"_ he replied simply, taking his creepy eyes off me and onto the ballerina figurine. A long, cold finger reached out to stroke her pale body, almost distantly. _"If you must know, though, I did not browse in here just to find you. In fact, you had escaped my notice until I saw you just now."_

It was ridiculous, but my guard slackened a little at his words. The logical side of me protested violently, but the curious side – the one that killed the cat – asked, _"Well then what _did_ you come into this store for?"_

His eyes never left the figurine. _"…A friend of mine is feeling under the weather…so I've only dropped in to buy her a present…and I think she would enjoy this little ballerina girl. Since we were children she had always told me she wanted to be one, but unfortunately she was never able to make her dream come true. …This figurine would be a nice present for her, don't you think?"_ Muraki never waited for an answer – the thoughts of others were irrelevant to him and I even harbored little doubt that he probably crushed that poor girl's dreams – and instead picked the ballerina up and studied her more closely in his pale hands. It felt as if my blood ran cold as he mused, _"Oh…this girl is much like you, isn't she Tsuzuki-san? That shade of blue is unnatural for any human and it's a wonder that its brilliance has survived a century. Don't you think it's rather extraordinary? …Perhaps that's why she's here, all alone in a lonely store, instead of in the warmth and comfort of a loving family…"_

I stiffened considerably, but remained silent. He was toying with me – I knew he was… I would _not_ allow him the satisfaction of knowing that he got to me. I would _not_…

He continued on, without any help from me, _"They say that the eyes are the window to the soul. That certainly seems true, doesn't it Tsuzuki-san? I mean…take that boy for example. His eyes were the most beautiful shade of green I had ever seen…and he certainly has a beautiful soul, doesn't he? To feel the emotions of others. Someone like that surely must be pure in soul…but there's much we could say about his body, now isn't there?"_

I couldn't contain it.

_"Don't you_ dare_ talk about Hisoka or his body,"_ I seethed, inflamed as I tried to keep calm, _"…_ever_."_

Muraki only smiled. _"Protective of the boy, aren't you? You've…seen his scars, haven't you now?"_

_"Yeah, I saw them. I saw them fully the night we made love, but they're faint and painless now. You don't have the control you used to have over him anymore,"_ I spat idiotically, blind of exactly _whom_ I was talking to.

_Telling Muraki that I made love to Hisoka…_

_…_Nice_, Asato_.

He took his eyes off the ballerina, gluing them onto me with an incredibly amused expression, and I flushed, unsure of whom I was angry with more, him or myself. _"…You think the boy loves you, don't you? Making 'love' with you. You really think that, don't you? You honestly think…that after what I put him through…that he never thinks of me when you touch him? What I did to him…is not something he could ever forget, I'll have you know. Those scars…every day when he changes, when he bathes…he sees those scars and thinks of me, regardless of who he may be with at the time."_

I desperately tried to argue with him, but he wouldn't allow it.

_"He may be with you now, but not for long. Imagine what I did to him…now do you think you could honestly cope with sexuality after that? Imagine how much it torments him on the inside…mimicking with you the actions I did to him. He won't stay with you for long. He'll move on to others, unable to even face you after a while. And then from there he'll just keep moving, unable to be with anyone for long – like a vagrant he'll be. You think I don't know what happens? He doesn't love you. He can't love anyone anymore…" _And after that he even had the audacity to smile and bid me a polite farewell as he took the figurine to the checkout counter.

…After all those…lies. They were lies. He was toying with me, trying to ruin my relationship with Hisoka…but I knew it wasn't true because I loved Hisoka and Hisoka loved me!

_Right…?_

The rest of the day I tried to put Muraki's words out of mind. It _wasn't_ like he said. Why? Because Hisoka _loved_ me. All those reassuring smiles…those soft eyes… Yes, he definitely loved and cared about me.

_Take _that_, Muraki!_

Love, love, love… That's what was between Hisoka and I.

As we walked Watari back to his hotel room, I remembered the dance… It _was_ tomorrow night, after all. Would Hisoka still pull through…?

_Of course – he _loves_ me, after all._

_…But then again…he ditch me for another partner…_

A kiss from Hisoka dispelled all those evil doubts, though, and replaced with it a newly burning confidence. In the hall, I reminded him of the dance…which he seemed to have forgotten, but it was no matter.

_"Do you still want to dance with me?"_

_"…Of course. I love you, don't I?"_

You have no _idea_ what that did to me. I was _ecstatic_. We _had_ to practice just so everyone could see how beautiful he was dancing with me.

Also…because I'm fairly sure that Hisoka would be _quite_ embarrassed if he fell flat on his face. He might never dance with me again…

Once we were back in the hotel room, I tried to find an appropriate station, but there's not really any that play ballroom-style music anymore. It's a shame. I had to settle for a light classical jazz station. Hisoka didn't seem to mind, though, so that was all right. I turned to him and smiled…

…And perhaps it's my imagination, but it looked as if he was absolutely melting in my gaze. It made me feel special that I could affect him like that. _"Take my hand,"_ I instructed, holding him close to me. He did so…and it was a _perfect_ fit.

_Perfect_.

I felt his heart beating quickly and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek to dispel any doubts.

_Don't be nervous, my love… I will protect and defend you…_

_…Always_.

* * *

**End of Part 1, Chapter 4**

Sorry if this chapter isn't as good as it _could_ be. I'm bulldozing through this as if writer's block never existed. But anyway, I don't know how to write Muraki, so please forgive me if his characterization is a bit off!


	13. Tsuzuki, Chapter 5

**Title**: Anti-Nostalgic (Tsuzuki, Chapter 5)  
**Author**: Elf Asato  
**Pairings**: Tsuzuki/Hisoka, Watari/Hisoka, Tatsumi/Tsuzuki  
**Warnings**: gaspu! It's the chapter that corresponds to Hisoka's Chapter 5!  
**Disclaimer**: Yami no Matsuei belongs to the great Matsushita-sensei and if I butcher her name, it's out of love. _Anti-Nostalgic_ is a song from Gravitation so that doesn't belong to me, either.  
**Notes**: I'm sorry this is really dragging! Watari's chapters will be quick and painless, though, I'll make sure of that ;;

**Anti-Nostalgic  
**By Elf Asato

-Tsuzuki-

Mornings…

…really suck.

They should just…_die_ or something. …But then if mornings died, then there would be no afternoon or evening, no yesterday or tomorrow.

No dance with Hisoka.

Okay…well, as mean as mornings are (getting you up from sleep…now that's just _mean_!), I'll tolerate them. There's a lot of mean things I tolerate, after all. Even Hisoka. He should know by now that trying to escape from my Super-Tsuzuki! hug is mean. I mean, who am I to Super-Tsuzuki! hug if he's not there beside me, wrapped in my arms like pastry?

Baked goods…mm.

Hisoka…mm.

Baked goods _and_ Hisoka…

Baked goods _on_ Hisoka…

_…Okay _fine_, I'll get up._

With the various attempts at leading Hisoka to bed notwithstanding, we greeted the morning (er, afternoon…) with smiling faces. It was beautiful. The _entire_ world was beautiful because Hisoka looked so happy, even though we spent a lot of time arguing about who would cook brunch, what shade of blue the sky was, exactly what that lone cloud _did_ look like…(it did _not_ look like a duck!). It was wonderful.

Every.

Single.

Moment.

…Beautiful.

Right around when we finally got to cooking breakfast – it was a joint project! – he fell silent. I was worried that perhaps I did something wrong, so I playfully pulled my inu trick and prodded him to pay attention to something. Of course…he was thinking about something. He's always thinking…

Does he ever think of me?

I think of him.

A lot.

Was it the good kind of thinking…

…or was it bad?

_What goes on in that head of his?_

_"Are you happy?"_ I ask, worried that he might be doing the bad sort of thinking…having second thoughts about our relationship.

…But _pbbth_! Why would he be thinking that? Really now…_really_…? I mean, he only thinks of me, not what happened to him when he was alive…! I erased those bad memories from him, didn't I?

…_Didn't_ I?

As always, Hisoka looked absolutely stunning. He always does, so I really shouldn't have been floored when I saw him in that tuxedo we rented. Naturally, I was, though, of course.

Naturally.

When we made our way down the hall to the ballroom, I envisioned us having some sort of grand and glorious entrance: the second we would walk in, people would stare at us in awe because Hisoka was so beautiful. Ladies and gentlemen alike would be vying for the honor of being Hisoka's dance partner, and being the nice guy I am, I'd let them dance with him, but that last dance we would have together. Just the two of us, gliding across the floor in a magical enchantment… We'd be the only ones dancing and all eyes would be on us. And we, in turn, would have our eyes on each other. There would be no need to look at the floor or where we were – it would be irrelevant. We would be the only creatures on earth that mattered for that one moment in time.

…That one moment in time…

When we made our entrance in real time, though…we _did_ capture some attention, but not because Hisoka was beautiful…

…But because he fell.

_"Hisoka! Are you all right? You just…fell!"_

His _empathy_. Damn it! I had forgotten all about it! He had been so good about it with the trip…I can't _believe_ that I forgot all about it! How could I…? I was a horrible partner. I should have kept something like that in mind. Why didn't I…?

_"No, it's okay_,_"_ he said, _"It's not your fault. I forgot, too… Er, I guess I didn't expect everyone to be feeling so strongly…"_

We didn't have to do this. Really, we didn't…but he wouldn't let that line of thought be pursued any more. I kept asking him if he was sure he wanted to continue on with this, but he only told me to shut up. I was concerned for him, though, because…

_"Ah…Hisoka, you're turning green…are you sure—"_

_"_YES_, now _shut up!_ …Please!"_

I led him to a seat and sat him down, wondering just _what_ I could do to help him that he'd actually let me do… Raking my brain, though, the only solution I came up with was to stay by his side.

As if that was hard.

_"…Tsuzuki, you really don't need to be wasting your night here with me… You like to dance, right? It's fun, isn't it? Don't let me keep you from that…"_

_"What are you talking about?"_ I protested, _"I'm here with you now because I _want_ to be. I'd give up anything for you, you know. My fun and happiness is here with you."_

_"…You're an idiot…"_

_"But I'm an idiot in love,"_ I retorted as I kissed the top of his head, which made him blush.

He looked off somewhere else and then muttered, _"…Hey, there's a little girl sitting all by herself at that table over there…"_

_"She looks so lonely… Can't be more than sixteen or so…"_

_"…Why don't you ask her to dance with you? I'm sure she'd enjoy that."_

_"What? But…what if her parents…?"_

_"I'm sure they'd appreciate you helping their daughter have a little fun."_

_"You're okay with this?"_

_"Baka, I suggested it to you. Why wouldn't I be?"_

…Well, she was a nice looking little girl… It would probably make her happy and I _did_ want to dance… And besides, I think if I solicited Hisoka's welfare any more, he might hit me, as he's wont to do when he's annoyed…

_"All right!" _I exclaimed cheerfully, giving him a quick kiss on the cheek as I went off to fulfill my mission. It was only to make him happy, though, because if Hisoka doesn't get his way, he gets a little cranky.

She was sitting at a table, all alone; I felt bad because her parents were probably dancing, having fun. _"Hi there,"_ I greeted with a smile as I went up to her.

The girl looked up at me in surprise and responded softly, _"Oh…hello."_ Her eyes were a dark brown that perfectly accented her hair, looking like a doll Ruka used to own.

Assuming she was a little shy, I helped myself and sat down next to her, trying to stir up conversation. _"…Don't you just love this sort of atmosphere? Everyone's having a good time and you get to meet new people…!"_

_"Yeah…but it's a little lonely," _she admitted softly, _"if you don't have any one to share the atmosphere with."_

Maybe she wasn't shy, but just soft-spoken. I could understand that. After all, _you_ are the same way, am I right? _"…You don't have any one that you've perhaps seen and want to get to know a little better…?"_

She looked a little shocked. _"…You can't just do that, though! I mean, just walking up to someone you don't know and holding a conversation with them… That's a little impolite, isn't it?"_

Shrugging I responded, _"It happens all the time. That's how you meet new people. You never know – the person you meet may change your life. …And besides, are you terribly offended that I'm doing it to you?"_

_"Oh, well…"_ she muttered, looking a little embarrassed, _"well…you _can _do it, but… I don't think I could. I'd be much too afraid of bothering him…and…what if he doesn't like me? I mean, I've only seen him once or twice…"_

I don't think she realized it, but she was giving something away. _"Oh…there's a _him_?"_

She blushed and looked down at the table, averting her eyes. _"Ah…yeah. It's this guy I've been seeing down by the pool. He's…ah…really cute… I don't have the nerve to actually talk to him, though…"_

_"Well what can it hurt?" _I offered. _"If it doesn't work out, you'll never have to see him again."_

Glancing at me briefly before scanning the crowd, she muttered, _"…True…"_

_"Oh Miki, it's nice to see you talking to someone!"_ the jarring voice of a woman erupted behind me. From the girl's reaction of _"Hi, mother"_ I assumed that "Miki" was the girl I was talking to as I turned around to see the woman who owned that strident voice.

And my attention was immediately drawn not to the woman, but the man standing silently beside her. He had familiar sea green eyes that seemed pleasantly surprised.

He spoke. _"Oh, you're the young man I met about a week ago, aren't you? It's nice to see you again."_

Miki suddenly seemed rather suspicious. _"You know my father? He didn't tell you to come and talk to me, did he…?"_

_"What? Oh, no, Miki," _I explained as her mother listened with rapt attention, _"I didn't even know that _you _were his daughter. It's just a pleasant coincidence."_

Perhaps because I had been candid with her before, she appeared to believe me. Her mother, however, _didn't_ and kept winking and smiling at me. It was kind of creepy. The man seemed rather embarrassed with his wife, which I could readily sympathize with, while Miki flushed a bright shade of pink and hissed, _"Mother!"_

I had to smile – they were a wonderful family – and laugh. It almost made me wish that I had a family like that when I was alive, but instead I only had Ruka… She was enough, but still…I couldn't help but…

_Stop it. You have to think about _now_. You're better off dead than you were alive, you've got friends, you've got a loving partner…_

_…You've got everything except heartache, and you've had your share of that already._

I looked over my shoulder, try to hide that nostalgic glint in my eyes – I didn't want them asking questions – but as I did that, I saw a boy who seemed to be around Miki's age, sitting at a table, alone. There was just something about it… Perhaps its something only the walking dead can feel…

I had the perfect solution for his and Miki's loneliness.

_"Ah, Miki…" _I cleared my throat as I turned to talk to her, _"there's a young man back at that table who…"_

_"Oh no, not you, too!" _she sulked, _"Honestly, why don't you guys just – that's _him_!"_

I smiled as she cupped her hands over her mouth in a gasp and desperately tried hard not to blush…which she failed miserably at, by the way. Her mother immediately began a brash inquisition, but through all the noise, I tried to get through to Miki, to remind her… _"It wouldn't hurt, would it? If he says no, you can just walk away and never see him again, but if he says yes… Are you willing to pass up this chance to talk to him?"_

She reminded me of a mouse torn between the glorious prospect of cheese…and the terrible danger of the trap as well. Cute mouse, that was.

_"Oh Miki honey, go on and talk to that little boy! If you'd like, I could introduce you and –"_ her mother began, but she was cut off.

_"…Mother, I'll be fine,"_ Miki said with a wavering resoluteness. _"I…I can handle it myself…"_

My eyes lit up, as I knew I had been right about it all along.

You can't fake true emotion and destiny, after all.

_"Miki…you mean you…?"_

She blushed at my trailing question, but managed a smile. _"I…I am. You're right…I don't want to risk losing the opportunity to talk to him because, well… I don't think I could bear not knowing what could have happened…you know? Thank you."_ With that she arose and her father shot me a beaming smile as she turned to walk slowly towards her young man…but she stopped in mid stride and turned back to gaze at me.

_"I never asked you your name…"_

_"It's alright,"_ I said, _"that you don't know. Life needs _some_ mystery, ne?"_

Miki just smiled at me and replied, _"I shall think of you as an angel, then."_ Then she turned her back towards me and I prayed, as the angel, that I would never see her sweetly smiling face again.

I wished her a long life.

* * *

**End of Part 2, Chapter 5**

How I cut this chapter off isn't parallel to Hisoka's like the others have been, but I did that for a reason. I don't want any breaks between the building of tension next chapter. …Hmm, next chapter…

…Next chapter we get to the _good_ stuff


	14. Tsuzuki, Chapter 6

**Title**: Anti-Nostalgic (Tsuzuki, Chapter 6)  
**Author**: Elf Asato  
**Pairings**: Tsuzuki/Hisoka, Watari/Hisoka  
**Warnings**: …You don't need any warnings. You should know what chapter this is! (Yes, the warning is your lack of need for a warning)**  
Disclaimer**: Yami no Matsuei belongs to the great Matsushita-sensei and if I butcher her name, it's out of love. _Anti-Nostalgic_ is a song from Gravitation so that doesn't belong to me, either.  
**Notes**: …I didn't want to write this. At. All. To delay the pain, I attempted extreme procrastination behavior. It temporarily worked; I mean, you're reading this now, even if it _is_ severely late, right? And dammit, I'm _not_ sorry! This was hard and exhausting to write… To illustrate and kind of build things, I've sort of pulled certain things about Tsuzuki's childhood out of my ass. So yeah, it's not true, I don't think. This was so draining to write...

**Anti-Nostalgic  
**By Elf Asato

-Tsuzuki-

After helping Miki (and getting myself a…drink), I couldn't help but notice that my lovely Hisoka wasn't where I had left him. I figured, though, that, with his empathy, he may have stepped out to escape the crowd. That was fine, as long as the reason wasn't because he was unhappy with me. Growing worried about him, though, I decided to look for him in the bathroom, to see if he was okay since he looked rather ill when we arrived. I mean, I didn't want my darling to hit his head against the sink or anything…

So…as you can imagine, I was relatively…no, positively…_definitely_…**painfully** surprised when I found him…not in the bathroom, puking his guts out like I suddenly felt like doing at the time, but…

…Rather, he was kissing Watari. My dear friend.

Numbed and nauseas, I stumbled back to our chairs, inadvertently bumping into a woman and spilling her drink into what looked like a new and expensive gown…but I didn't stop to apologize. I didn't even care, and I didn't even stop to _think_ until I had sat down.

Watari kissing

Hisoka.

_My_ Hisoka.

I had spent nights in absolute ecstasy with him.

I _loved_ him.

He loved me back…

_…Right?_

_**Right?**_

And…in response, I heard a voice not of my own. I jumped, trembling, as I looked around, realizing after a second that it was simply a memory, though, and nothing more…

_You think the boy loves you, don't you?_

Nothing more than a memory of that bastard's evocative voice. Words of a fucking _liar_. Nothing more than _just_ a memory. There were no hidden meanings or suggestions behind those words. They were just _that_: words, nothing more. They didn't mean anything.

They didn't _mean_ anything, and they _weren't_ true.

They were just _words_. Just a goddamn _memory_.

And nothing more.

I loved Hisoka, and Hisoka loved me. We were happy together, blissful, content. Nothing could stand between us – _nothing_.

_Not Watari._

_Not Muraki._

_Not _any_one._

**_Anyone_**

I could have stormed out, told him that it was over and just left… But I didn't. I still had faith. Hisoka still loved me, and what Muraki said wasn't true. He's a liar – it was _never_ true. It couldn't be true. It _wasn't_ true.

…So I waited for him to come back, which was fairly soon. I know him; I know everything about him, it feels. He was nervous about something – I could tell from his body language – but I wasn't about to let him know that I had seen…I had _known_.

I didn't let him know because there _was_ nothing to know. Just a simple little thing that could easily be explained, and I trusted Hisoka because I loved him.

I loved Hisoka, and Hisoka loved me.

He _loved_ me.

And that's all there was to know.

I danced with him, and when he trembled, it was because of his empathy. He doesn't do well in large crowds, you know, and he certainly wasn't trembling because he was nervous or guilty because he had been kissing another or anything. Hisoka just doesn't do well in large crowds, and that's why he trembled.

And _I _trembled not because I was scared or mad or anything because I put on a shield and held it all inside, but because he was so beautiful and when you're in the presence of someone that beautiful, you have to tremble because they're beautiful, and you're not, and you don't tremble because you love them, but they don't love you, of course they love you, but you tremble because you love them and they're so beautiful, and they would never do anything to hurt you.

Really.

I was okay, and Hisoka knew I was okay because I had told him I was okay. Not verbally, no, but I put on a shield to tell him I was okay, because why wouldn't be okay? I was okay, just fine. Even better than that I was _great_. Peachy keen. Beautiful, wonderful, just like Hisoka, and I was okay. I was completely and absolutely okay, even though beneath my shield I felt all awful and bubbly…

But I _didn't_ feel awful and bubbly because _I was okay_.

What was there to be unhappy about?

_And Hisoka, he's okay, too. He never thinks of Muraki when he touches me – Muraki's just a liar – that's not why he's trembling; he's okay. _We're_ okay._

_Hisoka _doesn't_ think of Muraki when he touches me._

_We are _okay, _and there's no reason to let him know otherwise._

_…Really…_

We danced for a little while longer – I desperately tried to cling to hope while putting a cork on my emotions – before he started to look a little pale and suggested that we call it a night. Once we got back to the hotel room, he immediately began to change the water in the marigold's vase.

That marigold I had given him…it wasn't alive like a real flower, so he didn't have to give it water. He didn't have to care for it, but he did. If he didn't love me, he wouldn't have wasted any time on it. _He loves me, so he cares for the glass flower._

But if he had loved me, he wouldn't have kissed Watari, another side of me said. That's called cheating – infidelity – and it doesn't exactly bode well for a relationship.

He was about to change out of his suit when I had the courage to ask evenly, _"Naa…Hisoka?"_ I couldn't let him know I was having doubts. I _had_ to know.

_I_ loved him. He knew that all too well. He _had_ to have known that, even if I never told him that I loved him. I felt it so strongly in so much abundance…so with his empathy he _had_ to know.

_So what, was he just too afraid of breaking me to tell me _no

He sat down on the bed as I calmly made my way to his side, trying not to betray anything. I would not feel anything. I would not, for if I did, I would never know.

And I _had_ to know.

I wrapped my arms around him, keeping an emotional distance in addition to shields in place, as I gave him a few seconds to think, to gather information like I knew he always did. Kissing his cheek softly, I put our relationship to the test:

_"I love you."_

He turned to face me, and at that moment we both knew.

Hisoka didn't love me; he loved Watari, but never me. It made sense. The odd behavior between the two before our vacation, on that one assignment…the kiss.

No, it was never me, but Watari.

And at that moment if felt like my heart cracked in two.

I let go of him and paced around the room. I _had_ to think about the situation objectively, and I _couldn't_ let this nasty, awful, oppressive, yet terribly appealing emotion surface. I _could not_.

Because even if Hisoka never loved me, I still loved him.

_You think the boy loves you, don't you?_

_Yeah, Muraki, I thought he loved me, but he never did, and you were right, fucking bastard._

_He didn't love me. Even if he wanted to, he never could. How could he feel anything but unpleasantness when he touched me, the memories of Muraki, of being raped. And I felt like I had been killing him all this time because I _loved_ him so much._

_I _loved_ him, and because of that, I hurt him._

Staring at the wall, I stopped and murmured, _"…You could have just told me that you didn't feel the same way."_

_He could have told me _no_. He should have told me no. Why the _hell_ didn't he? _

_And why did he stay when he obviously wanted Watari? After all, Watari has so much more to offer him. He's smart, intelligent, and he doesn't have these stupid, fucking, emotional hang-ups, or any reason at all to have the need to conceal a monster inside of him, growing incredibly angry._

_Well?_

_Was it fun?_

_Was it fun owning my heart and soul entirely, Hisoka? Was it fun fucking with me? Was it fun breaking me in the worst, most awful way?_

_I'm not human, Hisoka, so you shouldn't go around fucking around with me. I have a monster inside of me, and it gets terribly angry when I'm hurt._

_So I ask you, _was it fun

_"Tsuzuki, I didn't mean—!"_ he blurted as I voiced my question.

_He has the audacity to look like he's hurt. He has the audacity to act like he even cared about me._

_He doesn't love me – he doesn't fucking **care**_.

And at that moment as I spun around to face the liar before me – I thought I knew him, I really did – I could control it no longer. He didn't mean anything by fooling me into believing that he loved me, really he didn't. Just a harmless, innocent joke, just like the ones the kids used to play on Ruka and I. You know, that _harmless, innocent _joke that _killed_ her.

All because we weren't normal.

_No…no, it wasn't the same. Hisoka simply broke my heart. It's not a big deal, really, when you consider the grand scheme of things? What the hell does it matter that a one Tsuzuki Asato had his heart utterly and completely _shattered_ by a fucking sixteen-year-old kid? The guy's a pervert for fucking a kid that young, so what the hell does it matter if his heart is crushed?_

_It doesn't._

_It_ doesn't

_"Of course you didn't,"_ I responded, trying to regain control. _"Why should you?"_

_What, when you have Watari, why the hell should you care about me? You didn't mean anything after all. It's okay to screw with Tsuzuki's heart, really it is. People have been doing it for a century, so why should _you_ be any different, Hisoka?_

_"Tsuzuki."_

_Really, he's no different than those kids…_

_"No, no, no,"_ I said with a wave of my hand, my calm and almost blithe tone inversely proportional to what I felt threatening to seize control inside of me. _"You couldn't have known if you were really in love or not anyway. You're just sixteen. What do _you _know about love anyway?"_

And that's where I angered him. _"Tsuzuki, _just_ because I'm stuck at the _eternal age _of _sixteen_ means absolutely _nothing _when it comes to love!"_ he said, his voice almost raising, as he stood up. _"And besides, this isn't entirely my fault! You're to blame as well—"_

_Oh _whatI'm_ to blame for having my heart _shattered_! I'm to blame for putting up with his childish insolence and indecisiveness? I'm to blame because _he_ can't make up his mind?_

_"I'm to blame for loving you in the first place."_

_"You're to blame for _forcing your emotions _on me!"_ he raised his voice angrily. _"How can I tell my _true emotions _when _yours _keeps masking them!"_

And at that I froze.

Hisoka never loved me, but rather, it was his empathy reflecting off my own horrendously strong emotions.

…He only _thought_ he loved me because _I_ loved _him_.

It wasn't a cruel joke or indecisiveness on his part.

He _thought_ he did, but he _didn't_.

And it was because of _me_.

_You think the boy loves you, don't you? Making 'love' with you. You really think that, don't you? You honestly think…that after what I put him through…that he never thinks of me when you touch him?_

Because of me he had to relive his moments with Muraki, relive that bastard touching him in a mockery of what love should be.

_That's…that's exactly what _we_ did, Hisoka._

_It's exactly the same._

_"But…"_ he began in a soft, comforting voice that pained my ears just by hearing its sweetness. I hated it. I hated it in the worst way if only because I loved it so much. _"There were times when my emotions were my own. When I genuinely loved you without your help."_

_…But there were times when he genuinely loved me…_

_He genuinely loved me._

_It wasn't all me. If he genuinely loved me…_

_…Then he genuinely must have loved Watari as well._

_"…If you loved me…then why did you kiss him?" _I asked sotto voce. _You told me you _loved_ me, really _loved _me._

_You must not have loved me enough if you had to kiss him._

When he asked _"What?"_ in a meek voice, honestly surprised because he thought I hadn't known…

_You thought you could get away with telling me that you loved me and have that be it…_

And it pissed me off so damn much.

_"Don't act like you don't know," _I scoffed, feeling my heart wrench and twist in all sorts of directions I never thought possible. _"I saw you and Watari kissing…"_

_Empathy my fucking ass. You knew full well what you were doing the whole time, didn't you? You're quite the convincing liar, Hisoka, coming from all the emotions you pick up, I'll bet._

_But _oh, _"I suppose that was your _empathy _getting confused again?"_

_"Y-yes,"_ he muttered, and I had to heavily restrain the urge to punch something. _"But Tsuzuki–!"_

_"But what!"_

_What, you want to try and tell me that you love me again? Sweeten me up so that I'll forget about the poison inside of you and myself?_

_What I did to him…is not something he could ever forget, I'll have you know. Those scars…every day when he changes, when he bathes…he sees those scars and thinks of me, regardless of who he may be with at the time._

_So that I'll forget that you never honestly _could_ love me?_

_"…I really _was_ falling for you…even before you told me how you felt."_

_He…_didn't

I honestly felt like throwing up, passing out, _anything_.

Anything_ but this _please.

_Please._

_Don't do this Hisoka._

_You're making the monster very angry._

_  
I can't keep it in any longer, Hisoka, please._

_I _love_ you, Hisoka, please, stop it._

His green eyes were beautiful, so confused, angry, and hurt…I both loved them and hated them at the same time. _I can't look at him, I can't see him, I can't, I can't I can't I can't – "…Please don't toy with my heart anymore."_

_"I'm not toying! I'm serious!"_

_Shut up._

_Just shut up._

_I can't listen to your voice anymore, Hisoka, I can't. The sounds that fall from your beautiful pink lips – please, don't make me hate you, Hisoka, because I can't. I can't._

On the verge of tears, insanity, anything and everything, I sank to my knees, unable to even hold myself up any longer.

_Please…I don't want this._

_"I don't care," _my voice wavered, _"…I…I don't want to love you anymore…please."_

_Please._

_"…Tsuzuki."_

_Shut up._

_He may be with you now, but not for long. Imagine what I did to him…now do you think you could honestly cope with sexuality after that? Imagine how much it torments him on the inside…mimicking with you the actions I did to him._

**_Just _shut up**

_"I mean, _what am I supposed to **_do_**_!"_ I yelled, clutching my head, unable to get the voice of that fucking murderer out of my head – _Imagine how much it torments him on the inside…mimicking with you the actions I did to him_ – but I couldn't, I couldn't. It wouldn't leave. His words wouldn't leave. Why wouldn't they leave? I hated them. I hated him.

_I hated him for what he did to us, to you, to me, but oh god, Hisoka, _for what he did to **you**

_"Since I unintentionally _forced_ my emotions onto you…it's like…it's almost like an emotional rape? Is…is that what it is? Dammit, I don't even know what to do! I don't think I've felt this horrible in my life!"_

_Imagine what I did to him…now do you think you could honestly cope with sexuality after that? Imagine how much it torments him on the inside…mimicking with you the actions I did to him._

_His voice…his fucking voice it won't stop, why won't it stop? It won't stop._

_…mimicking with you the actions I did to him._

_Please, leave me alone._

**Please.**

_"Tsuzuki, it's not your fault–" _his voice – it was heavenly, angelic, yet from the bowels of Hell and kept reverberating, combining with the smoothness of a liar, and it wouldn't stop – comforted gently.

_He may be with you now, but not for long. Imagine what I did to him…now do you think you could honestly cope with sexuality after that? Imagine how much it torments him on the inside…mimicking with you the actions I did to him._

_It's all my fault. My fault.I'm killing him, oh gods I'm killing him. Just because I love him._

_I'm killing him because I love him._

_"God, I should have _seen_ that you didn't want to be with me!" _I yelled, not caring – not caring about anything – no, I cared about Hisoka, but it hurt so…so much…it ached and burned like a knife twisting in my heart. _"…But no…dammit, am I _really_ that selfish of a _bastard_ to not even consider _you_!"_

_I should have known, Hisoka, I really should have known. You could never be with me, we could never be with each other, Hisoka. Hisoka, Hisoka, I'm sorry. Oh gods I'm sorry._

_I'm sorry._

_Imagine how much it torments him on the inside…mimicking with you the actions I did to him. He won't stay with you for long._

_I am so sorry._

_He'll move on to others, unable to even face you after a while._

_Please…_please _forgive me, Hisoka._

_"Tsuzuki, don't!"_ Hisoka protested, reaching a hand out as if to touch me, but then he retracted it. _"…You're not – that's not – that's not the way it was!"_

_And then from there he'll just keep moving, unable to be with anyone for long._

_Forgive me, Hisoka, I'm so sorry._

_He doesn't love you. _

_Please, please forgive me._

_He can't love anyone anymore…_

_I didn't mean to kill you, honestly I didn't._

_"I've hurt you without you even realizing it! Of _course_ this is how it was!"_ I exclaimed, the monster inside of me threatening to consume everything. Slamming my fist down onto the small table next to me – I couldn't see, I couldn't see anything anymore – and onto the glass marigold, shattering it.

And the glass flew everywhere, like little speckles of water from a child splashing in the stream. Or a girl flailing about, drowning because she can't swim.

I heard Hisoka's voice cry out my name, but it was so distant, so faint, that I barely noticed it.

_I killed the marigold._

_I killed Hisoka._

Hisoka wanted to help me, but I wouldn't let him as my hand, cut from the glass, had already begun to heal.

_"…Leave me alone," _I sighed, not being able to take it anymore. I couldn't, I couldn't do it, I couldn't, I couldn't, I'm sorry I couldn't.

_I can't live like this._

_This monster…_

_…killed Hisoka._

_I'm sorry, Hisoka, I'm sorry._

_"Don't you see?"_

_The monster will eat me whole._

_Please forgive me._

_"I don't want _anything_ to do with you now!"_

_I'm sorry, Hisoka._

I left the hotel room, slamming the door on my way out, blindly walking…_running_ down the hall with no idea as to where the hell I was going.

_Oh gods, I'm sorry._

_I'm sorry, Ruka, I'm sorry._

_He doesn't love you. He can't love _any_one anymore…_

* * *

**End of Part 2, Chapter 6**

So, you see what I had to do? I had to convert what was perceived as an OOC Tsuzuki in Hisoka's bit and change it into an in character Tsuzuki by way of the mental instability. I even wrote Muraki's dialogue back in chapter four based on what I wanted Tsuzuki to lose it over, so…you can see I've been planning this for a while. Since Hisoka's chapter six when I had people tell me Tsuzuki was OOC. The things I do for readers...


	15. Tsuzuki, Chapter 7

**Title**: Anti-Nostalgic (Tsuzuki, Chapter 7)  
**Author**: Elf Asato  
**Pairings**: Tsuzuki/Hisoka, Watari/Hisoka  
**Warnings**: Angst residue, introspective chatter  
**Disclaimer**: Yami no Matsuei belongs to the great Matsushita-sensei and if I butcher her name, it's out of love. _Anti-Nostalgic_ is a song from Gravitation so that doesn't belong to me, either.  
**Notes**: I didn't know exactly how to write this, though I knew what I should cover. That was a factor contributing to the incredible lateness of this chapter. Ha, if there's any difficulties whatsoever dealing with a chapter, I have a tendency to resort to extreme procrastination techniques… By the way, this chapter uniquely strays away from the nice parallel-ness of previous chapters. It mostly ends before Hisoka's Chapter 7 begins. A reminder, this is all in Tatsumi's POV unless noticed with a character…thingy. Another thing to keep in mind, because QuickEdit arestrange, the format for this is different. It's evil. If I wanted to have to change everything, I would have written it like that in the first place...

**Anti-Nostalgic  
**_By Elf Asato_

"…I'm not sure what was going through my head that time, what I was thinking or feeling, or… It was confusing and painful and the emotional trauma blurred everything," Tsuzuki murmured with his head in his hands under my watchful gaze, his voice wavering.

The memories hurt, I understood, but… "What happened then after that incident with you and Kurosaki-kun?"

For a few minutes Tsuzuki said nothing, as if trying to gather his thoughts. "Can you make us some more tea, Tatsumi?" he asked finally.

"Of course," I said, getting the kettle ready, as he began…

-Tsuzuki-

Like I said earlier, it was all a blur, and somehow I had found myself at the nearest bar, seated with an exotic cup of coffee heavily spiked with cognac. It was surreal; I hadn't remembered how I got to the bar in the first place or even ordering anything. I wasn't even sure if I had enough money on me to pay for it. Then, as if to make the night seem even more like a hideous nightmare, that guy I knew seated himself beside me.

Yeah, Watari.

_"Hey,"_ he said, good-natured as always. He had no _clue_. _"Fancy seeing you here."_

_"Yeah, I guess."_

Watari would have _had_ to be stupid not to notice that I wasn't okay without the false pretenses of _pretending_ to be okay. Of course, yeah, he's a smart guy. _"You okay?"_

Every fucking façade I'd ever put on was dead at that moment. I couldn't even muster up a fake smile, and for some reason it just _irritated_ me so… _"What the fuck do _you_ think?"_

_"…The hell's your problem, Tsuzuki? I just asked a question!"_ he snapped at me with such sharpness I had never heard from his normally buoyant and fun voice.

And at that one, clear moment, for the first time that night I felt sorry for a reason other than myself. What happened between Hisoka and me wasn't Watari's fault, I felt, so I had no grounds to say things like that to him. It wasn't me, anyway.

I still hurt, yes, but I didn't want to be like that.

_"…I'm sorry, Watari. But this evening has just been…"_

_"Ah, it has been, hasn't it?"_ he admitted without mockery, like…he knew. And he had such a guilty conscience about it that I know he did.

_"Yeah,"_ I said, and then he went quiet. He ordered a drink, but I barely paid attention to what it was.

_"Look, um, Tsuzuki…about this evening… You may not have seen me, but I was there at the—"_ he began softly and his voice carried an unbearable weight of guilt and regret.

_"I know."_

_"So…you know?"_

_"I know, and…"_

_"…Tsuzuki…"_

The sky is always at its clearest and bluest after a great storm. _"…It's not your fault, Watari. You…must have loved him like I did. I know you kissed him, and back at the hotel room we…had an argument about it. Hisoka can't love us when we love him so strongly ourselves. And it's not even Hisoka's fault – he can't control our emotions. You know whose fault it really is?"_

_"Tsuzuki, but it _is_. I _knew_ you loved him and everything, but I…I…"_

_"But it's _notyour_ fault for loving him, Watari. Hell, if our situations were reversed, I would have done the exact same thing."_

Watari looked at me, still guilty, but managed to say rather incredulously, _"Really? You…really would have done everything as I did…?"_

I nodded, but instead of looking comforted, as I would have felt if our positions really _were_ reversed, he seemed vaguely skeptical but in a kind, self-deprecating way, if that makes any sense at all. _"So…you two had an argument? But you're okay now, right?"_

_"…Dunno,"_ I said, and mentioned what had happened between us, how…Hisoka never really loved either of us. It wasn't his fault; he _couldn't_.

_"I've…I've been so stupid,"_ he said at last, a few minutes after I had 'explained' things. _"You know…I told him I loved him, but I never asked if he loved me, too, because I thought he didn't, but he acted as if he did and…"_

I tried to force a laugh because it was really too soon to be hearing such things. _"But…do you…see our mess?"_

_"Yeah…"_ he said softly.

_"So…what are we going to do?"_ I needed his help. I needed his support. Without Hisoka as my crutch…

_"We?"_

That sudden, sinking feeling washed over me. _What does he mean? We're going to be in this together, right?_

_"Tsuzuki," _he murmured softly, but firmly as well, _"I have to stand on my _own_ on this, and so do you."_

_"But Watari,"_ I said, trying to sound rational, but a sense of urgency and desperation crept into my voice, permeating everything and turning it into something that betrayed me, _"you don't mean that, do you? I mean, we need each other, right? You were hurt, too, and I –"_

_"Please don't pretend to understand, Tsuzuki. My feelings are not your own,"_ he said, rather coldly, and in retrospect I understand, but…at the time, it was the proverbial straw with the poor camel and all.

_"How can you _say_ that? You loved him – and, dammit Watari, he made you think he loved you! You forced your feelings onto him, too, so how can you say we're not in this together?"_ I stood up and said rather frantically. At the end, my voice had gotten louder than I wanted.

_"You're projecting your own situation onto me, Tsuzuki."_

_"I…I'm not…"_ I murmured, feeling helpless as I ordered another drink. The one I had was finished, apparently, though I can't remember drinking it much…

_"Tsuzuki, maybe you should cut back on the alcohol…"_

_"What are you talking about? This is only my second cup, and besides, it's…it's just coffee with cognac, that's all…"_

I feel shaky, nervous, confused… 

_"…Tsuzuki, you've had three rather large glasses of hard liquor since I started talking to you."_

_Lies, I don't remember that._

_"I…I have not."_

_"Like _hell_,"_ said Watari sternly. _"I watched you with my own eyes."_

_"I can't stay here,"_ I said, strained and confused. _"I have to go."_

…Did I pay for the drinks on my way out…? Did Watari try to stop me?

Yes, I think he did…yes. As I stumbled down the street, remembering Watari's mention of the word _projection_ and what had happened between Hisoka and me, I heard him trying to get me to stop. Faintly I heard him, yes, because I…yelled out into the night sky how it was my fault, how I had forced myself upon him in every sense, how I was no better than that bastard…

The source of everything evil and _wrong_…that fucking bastard…

_Muraki!_

--

"Ah, Tsuzuki, I'm…having difficulty following," I admitted as we stood near the counter in the kitchen, drinking tea.

It looked as if my sentiments were the same as his. "I…I don't know," he mumbled into his cup.

"So…what happened after that?"

He gave me a simple and tired shrug. "I woke up that morning with Hisoka clutching my chest. And it just…made me so mad, seeing him again, because really, I was mad at myself and Muraki. I guess Watari was right, I _do_ project…"

I didn't answer because we're all guilty of that when we feel strongly.

* * *

**End Part 2, Chapter 7**

…Hey, this chapter is over, cool! You'll notice that Tsuzuki kept his explanation of the exchange between him and Hisoka at the end of Hisoka's chapter seven brief, and I didn't write it that way because I'm lazy. Confused about the way this happened? Good. So is everyone else. Something about emotional fuckage, or something, I'm sure.


	16. Tsuzuki, Chapter 8

**Title:** Anti-Nostalgic (Tsuzuki, Chapter 8)  
**Author:** Elf Asato  
**Pairings:** Tsuzuki/Hisoka, Watari/Hisoka  
**Warnings:** Regular warnings...  
**Disclaimer:** Yami no Matsuei belongs to the great Matsushita-sensei and if I butcher her name, it's out of love. _Anti-Nostalgic_ is a song from Gravitation so that doesn't belong to me, either.  
**Notes:** Something must have frozen over because I'm sure you never expected this update, right? You all probably thought I forgot about this story, didn't you! Well, in fact, I did. I'm hoping that most of my previous readers did, too, so I won't have reviewers down my throat for the certainly, erm, extended delay of this chapter. So, behold, a useless filler chapter to wrap up a part in between waiting and more waiting.

**Anti-Nostalgic**  
By Elf Asato

I've been sitting here, waiting for Tsuzuki to continue with the story, for several minutes now. I'm a patient man, but it seems with every minute, my heart tightens. "Nothing _too_ bad happened after that, did it?" I break the silence, voicing my concerns.

Tsuzuki laughs a little as if trying to shrug off my worries for me. "No, no, nothing bad. Just...a lot of things to process. I guess it's still relatively fresh for me."

I intertwine my fingers and rest my chin on them, and I suppose that produces the air that this is all business we're talking about here. Stocks, items, contracts - perhaps we aren't talking about anything personal after all. "Well, if it's still relatively fresh for you," I reiterate, "then all the more reason to continue rather soon, am I correct?"

He laughs and obliges.

-Tsuzuki-

For days after that - days after I found myself in the hotel bed with Hisoka clutching on to me in our sleep - we largely avoided each other. I...I guess it was out of awkwardness, mostly. I was afraid that if we talked, I'd lash out at him in anger that was more correctly directed towards myself. I was still shaken at the thought that I forced him to believe my feelings were his own that I tried to completely withdraw from him so that I couldn't hurt him anymore. I guess it was a stupid thing to do, refusing to acknowledge this barrier between us that never should have existed. I wanted to do something about it because I hated myself for what I had done and what I was currently doing. I was simply...helpless, though. I wouldn't be too far off in guess that you know exactly what I mean, right?

Well, anyway. I guess I tried to occupy myself with going to the pool and watching all the people. You'd never believe that there were so many styles of swimwear until you get so bored that you try to conduct a little study in your head about them. Personally, I thought all the young womens' suits were way too revealing; I suppose the only ones I really approved of were the ones their grandmothers wore. But I'm still old fashioned at heart about that, I guess.

Watari actually joined me at the poolside most of the times I was there. It wasn't as awkward as I thought it initially would be (and it certainly wasn't as awkward as what limited interaction Hisoka and I had during that period). We mostly kept what little conversation we had to light topics; he helped me in my little "study", in fact. Except that we seemed to have different views as far as the many styles of swimwear went. He didn't mind the majority of bikini girls and actually thought they were pretty cute - what little swimsuits they had, I mean. But we're from vastly different eras.

We did talk about something that actually mattered once: Hisoka.

He...he asked me the strangest thing that clear, sunny day. He asked if he could talk to Hisoka. _"I don't know, _can _you? ...No, no, I know what you mean,"_ I murmured lowly, so low in fact that I wasn't positive he could hear me. _"By all means don't let me stop you. I...I don't think there's anything between Hisoka and me anymore, so...I don't know, if you wanted to swoop in or anything I guess that's your right as a man."_ I hated saying that, but...if Watari wanted to pursue something with Hisoka, who was I to deny him? Sure, we _used_ to be something, but...

_I'm not so sure we are anymore..._

It turns out, though, that I just jumped to stupid conclusions again. He didn't want to "swoop in" or anything, and I guess I was really thankful for that. I'd been...well, to tell you the truth, I'd been self-loathing long enough to think that I didn't deserve Hisoka, and that he deserved the world without me. Both of them.

_"That's...that's not what I want, Tsuzuki,"_ Watari stated softly, as if were playing with needles and cacti and the sound of our voices would cause them to prick us. _"I'm not interested in taking you away from him. While I do love him, I also believe that you two will work things out some day. But anyway, I'll be leaving, and I don't know about you, but I guess I need closure to this whole...fiasco, I guess you could call it. ...I guess I never realized how complicated loving an empath would be."_

_"You and me both,"_ I sighed, without that bitter taste in my mouth. _"You know, empaths...they should really come with instruction manuals."_

He laughed, and I smiled a bit. _"Ah, but no one, including myself, reads those things anyway, so we'd still have all these problems!"_

_Is he serious!_ I faltered quite a bit, taken aback. _"Please say it's not so! You're a _scientist slash mechanic slash whatever it is you do_! How can you not read instruction manuals!"_

_"I suppose that's why there's always something exploding in my lab!"_

In a way, I guess I always admired Watari for that. It seemed that he followed his heart and gut wherever he went and only stopped for self-loathing and doubt _after_ a deed had been done. By then, it would be useless to think further of and he'd move on with his emotions and his life. Me, on the other hand...it's self-loathing and doubt before, during, and after decisions and actions. Self-loathing every step of the way - that's how _I_ like to do things.

And my way has always sucked. I guess that's why Watari seemed to be, for the most part, honestly happy and content with himself; and I'm...well, we know what _I_ am.

For a little while after our conversation, I guess I continued my routine of sitting at the poolside, watching happy people swim, until...I don't know. It was like something inside me was trying to eat its way out through my stomach.

Something that was crying and wanting Hisoka back with me - _now_.

The day I chose to try to patch things up between us was the day Watari left our little vacation spot of hell to go back to work. He had just finished saying his goodbyes, actually, when I came to the hotel room. I guess Watari's presence unnerved me a bit and made me lose confidence, but I knew that I couldn't doubt him. He's...a really good friend, I know that. I really didn't deserve someone like him in my life.

A little after Watari left, I tried to bridge the gap between Hisoka and me by trying to talk to him about the one thing I knew he loved: books. He was reading a decent-sized one then, one that I was sure had lots of interesting things to talk about. I didn't really get to know all the interesting sorts of things that kept Hisoka buried in those pages, but he did talk to me and tell me that the story's protagonist (oh man, if I had shown off my literary knowledge with _that_ word!) was a strong and capable woman. I thought it was nice that it was a woman but that it would have been cooler if she were a shy girl who just kind of had things happen to her randomly.

Hisoka's response was more or less along the lines of that I should write my own damn book then.

I don't know. I tried to get us talking, but...he just seemed like he didn't want anything to do with me. It's frustrating, you know, to want someone so bad...and have that person completely disregard you. The more I tried to bridge our gap, the more I failed...and the more I actually thought that I didn't deserve him and this was my punishment for fooling him into thinking he loved me...and fucking things up from there. Watari told me once that I should learn to forgive myself for my mistakes...and I tried. I wanted so bad for things to be how they were before - happiness, only _real_ this time. It didn't seem meant to be, though. I guess I lost all confidence after that.

Our vacation was shortly over, and, well, here I am.

* * *

**End of Part 2, Chapter 8**

The end of Tsuzuki's voice. Thankfully, Watari's chapters (providing I don't wait _two years_ to write them) won't follow the linear fashion that Hisoka and Tsuzuki's did.

_6-4-06_


End file.
